"Miracle" Lamb Loose in Vatican Archives

Christian Science Frightener - September 24th, 2029
By DONNA FRANKENSTEIN Molly the lamb was created by GenCorp Global of South Korea, genetically engineered to have seven eyes and more than half the DNA of a pickle "as a laugh." Scientists at GenCorp want to know how their priceless lamb ended up in the Vatican City Archives, where she has eluded captors for more than a day and knocked the seals off of at least one ancient scroll.
Unidentified Man and Pale Horse Killed by Drunk Driver BBC News
Amish Fail to Appear at Famer's Markets Around Country USA Today
New York Times - Lunatic Scientist - Lambx0ring - Foxwire
all 2,433 news articles
Bible Renders

Internet Videos Record "Flying People"

Blogosphere - September 24th, 2029
By Churl Bugsworth Video download sites such as YouTube, VidPipe, and FannyClips have been flooded with videos captured by camera phones of people ascending into the sky on beams of light. The unexplained phenomenon has been reported all over the world, although it only seems to be affecting about 1 in 20 people.
Insurance Companies Refuse Rapture-Related Claims Actuary Times
Thrift Stores Flooded with Clothes, Dentures
YouTube Report - The Blog Blog - Liveleak Arguments - Foxwire
all 824 news articles
Guns & Thugs

Rappers Rescind Thanks for God, Jesus

Atlantic - September 25th, 2029
By P.J. Franken "I gave him credit for my Grammy," complains B-Murder of the 187 Posse. "This is how he repay me?" B-Murder is one of many rappers vowing to omit Jesus Christ from the liner notes of future albums. "Left behind? B-tch, he be left OUT! He be tribulatin' when he see that blank space on Child Homocidez liner after it drop and go triple platinum."
Angels Continue Search for 'Four Corner of the Earth' NY Times
Earthquake Warning System: Censer Approaching From Heavens UPI
Scary Black People - Christian Gangsters - Rap Crook - Foxwire
all 906 news articles
Corbis Dickhead

Robertson: "God Will Burn in Hell"

Foxwire - September 26th, 2029
By Angela Goodling Pat Robertson emerged briefly from his oxygen tent to condemn the Lord to "an eternity of hellfire" for "Rapturing up confirmed homosexuals." Robertson declared that the Bible clearly stipulated the non-Rapturable status of gays and lesbians and that by allowing them into Heaven, God will be forced to punish God for God's sins.
Firefighters Struggle to Extinguish Fire Consuming Third of Earth LA Sinner
Red Cross Meets Blood Drive Goal Early Thanks to Rain of Blood AP
Giant Prick Today - Hypocrite Watch - Worst Human Ever Times - Foxwire
all 4,004 news articles

Abaddon to Appear on Larry King

CNN - September 27th, 2029
By John Skinner Abaddon, King of the Locusts, Angel of the Abyss, will be appearing on Larry King tonight to talk about his army of giant scorpion-like locusts, his new book, and what he thinks about Dakota Fanning's new baby. Larry's panel includes Sylvia Brown, Nancy Grace, and the Morning Star.
200 Million Horsemen Battle with US Tank Near Euphrates AP
EPA Fines Holy Host for Wormwood Emissions in Freshwater USA Today
Locust Lovers - Insect Demons Today - This Week in Hate - Foxwire
all 204 news articles
Our King Media

Amazing Whale Delights Onlookers

Mobile Beacon - September 27th, 2029
By Jessup Hickory A particularly large and unusual 13-horned blue whale beached itself off the Alabama cost this morning. Concerned onlookers hurried to keep it cool and wet and by one in the afternoon it had been declared ruler of all mankind. May its benevolent reign stretch for all eternity.
Vote to Name the Giant Whale, King of All Mankind, "Biggie Smalls"
Biggie Smalls Drafts Magical Lamb to Tattoo Populace BMEzine
Sea Giants - LeviaFUN - Diadem Delights - Foxwire
all 7,564 news articles

AARP Locks 13-Horns with Biggie Smalls Over Social Security Plan

Miami Herald - September 27th, 2029
By Hoary Antediluvian Supreme King of All Man Biggie Smalls has suffered a severe upset in his plans to enact social security reform that may leave some 45 million Americans with reduced benefits. Smalls' plan of "dying in agony at the stinging claws of locusts with the faces of men" has been declared "untenable and unacceptable" by AARP spokesman Harriet Washington.
Damned Beast from the Sea a Damned Tory The Guardian
Chinese Manufacturers Turn Giant Locusts into Shoes, Toys Beijing Times
Old & Ornery - Elderly Voter Nightmare - Grandma Politico - Foxwire
all 1,988 news articles

God Arrives on Earth

AP - September 28th, 2029
By Acorn Jerusalem God descended from the Holy Empyrean to walk upon His Creation and pass judgment on all surviving men and women within the Threefold Kingdom of Desolation. Following a meal of popcorn chicken, the Almighty opened his mouth to reveal seven tongues made of burning swords. He was tased and arrested for attempting to smite several people at a Brown's Chicken in Waukegan, Illinois.
The Lord Pleads No Contest to Three Counts of Aggravated Assault UPI
War's Number Two Lieutenant Killed by Predator Drone Stars and Stripes
The Best Book - Rapture Reader - Kingdom Come - Foxwire
all 364 news articles
Our Ex-King Media

Unholy 13-Horned Whale Resigns

Washington Post - September 28th, 2029
By Armando Geddon Revelations in the wake of the slaughter-for-souls scandal have left the embattled Biggie Smalls administration with no options. Facing impeachment, Smalls declared he would rather resign the position of Supreme Ruler of All Things and destroy man through demonic sorcery. He departed on Marine One and was dropped unceremoniously back into the Abyss.
Spraying for Demon Locusts Raises Cancer Risk American Medical Journal
Halliburton Accepts No-Bid Contract to Close Maw of Abyss The Nation
Rapture Reader - The Beast & Colmes - RedPeace - Foxwire
all 364 news articles

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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