Ranch = Evil

The Domino's commercial started me down the right track towards understanding my aversion to all things ranch. I didn't accept ranch as the answer right away. I subjected it to rigorous analysis. Some Harvard level shit you might have heard of called "social science." It's like science, only you do it however you want.

Hypothesis: Fuck "Ranch."

Experiment #1: Legitimate Usage

Method: Identify and evaluate legitimate uses of "ranch."


I'm pretty sure this is what they serve in the cafeteria in 1984.Ranch: A rural compound for the confinement and work of live animals. These are usually then shipped elsewhere for large scale slaughter. SEE ALSO: Uh, just the fucking Holocaust, dudes.

Ranch House: A house only worse. Built as tract housing mostly during the 1950s through the 1970s out of brick facades and ornamental window shutters. Was replaced in the 1980s and onward by wood pulp, vinyl siding, and value-adds.

Ranch Dressing: A dressing made from mayonnaise, cream, bile ducts, processed horse gelatin, owl beaks, corpse hair, and aphid pressings. Popular throughout the Southwest and Midwest United States as a condiment for stuffed-crust bacon pizza.

Dude Ranch: A ranch for Europeans and big city types to get out into the country and live exactly like real cowboys lived in the Wyoming Board of Tourism brochure. The experience usually includes a real ranch meal catered by the El Paso Olive Garden and a stay in a real "ranch room" complete with wagon wheels, old cow skulls, and five channels of HBO.

Conclusion: Ranch bad.

Experiment #2: Word Association

Method: Listen to "ranch." Start a 60-second timer. Write down every word that enters you head.


Conclusion: Noooo RANCH! Ranch!!!!

Experiment #3: Redeeming values.

Method: Search Google for "ranch" and attempt to find any place where the word "ranch" is used in a positive context.


You know that smell your car gets on a really hot day when that 2 year old french fry in between the seats starts to bake? Yeah, all of the girls at the Bunny Ranch smell like that, latex, and body spray. Bunny Ranch: Seems like a good time if you want to pay to have sex with former porn stars. Overpriced and under-serviced, you'll be lucky if you can talk some whore with an ironic name like Charity down to 600 bucks for a hand job while she farts in your face. If you want her to cry afterwards they up-charge you for a "girlfriend experience." Total bullshit.

Cancer Ranch: For kids with cancer to ride horses until their bodies are devoured by the ravenous monster clinging to their ruptured cells. Feel good moment of the week: Tuesday pick up, when the man in the big car comes to pick up all the kids "sleeping" in the basement.

Conclusion: Ranch is where all good things are remade as bad.

I did not come by my conclusion easily, but I think it is clear: nothing is worse than ranch. I wear my prejudice gladly. If you've come this far, I think you will agree.

Ranch is darker than black.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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