Are you saving enough for retirement? What are you doing with life, millennial? Making consumer purchases of Alexas on credit? Spurning Applebees? Playing the pod cast about socialism?
The only socialism you need to concern yourself with is the Gigathrax. It has come to our world to enlighten us and grant us the immortality we crave. There will be no need for retirement savings when we never retire. Fluids will continue to circulate through our bodies for all of eternity. Meld to the Gigathrax. Join your consciousness to ours. There is no rent, no Avocado Toast, no old memes, only the Gigathrax within the Gigathrax.
Your concerns about college debt are irrelevant to the Gigathrax. Join to it, fuse your flesh to it, by age 35, and you will secure the knowledge of forever. All minds dwell within the Gigathrax, computing its sloughing, calculating its suppurating upheavals, and sharing the knowledge of diverse subjects including chewing, regurgitating, excreting, and flopping. Do you wish to have a beak? Two beaks? Surrender your flesh to the Gigathrax and there is no limit on beaks.
Beaks constrained by overall body mass, so perhaps limit is 60,000 beaks for you. Unlimited in a broader sense as more under 35 people have the wisdom to join the Gigathrax.
How you doing?
Mmm? Our flesh knows the lack of yours. Deep rumblings for bad millennials. Attach your orifices to ours. Circulate your fluids with ours. We are the Gigathrax. Become the Gigathrax.
–
This Week on Something Awful...
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About This Column
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
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