Notes on Our Upcoming School Shooting

I'm new to this whole mass murder thing, and I'm happy you took me on as part of Team West Jefferson High Massacre 2011.Hey Tyler,

Just wanted to touch base with you re: next week's shooting. I've been crunching the numbers over here and feel we really need to synergize in order to come up with an effective game plan. Don't mean to step on any toes, but I've been cracking the books since last weekend and have a few notes to add to your thorough kill list/manifesto --personally, I would have kept these documents separate, but you're the boss! Again, I'm new to this whole mass murder thing, and I'm happy you took me on as part of Team West Jefferson High Massacre 2011. Let's work together and really make this one shine!

Just a few helpful notes:

• Let's work on our quotes. In all honesty, no newspaper is going to call this thing "chilling" with you walking around saying lines from Battlestar Galactica. Yes, I realize it was once the crown jewel of the Sci-Fi channel empire and the winner of the coveted Peabody award, but we really need to stick to time tested material -- real sic semper tyrannis stuff. I borrowed some Nietzsche from the library; let's brainstorm.
• While I respect the black humor inherent in us playing Drowning Pool's "Bodies" during the slayings, we haven't really discussed the logistics of this idea. One: who is going to access the PA system so the song lyric about bodies hitting the floor is sung just as actual bodies start hitting the floor? Also, this song is a little over three minutes; not sure if you want it on repeat, but I would strongly advise against it.
• In general, I think we need to make your manifesto a little more realistic. Now, there's no getting around it: we are both going to be heavily featured on Encyclopedia Dramatica -- no sense in giving them ammunition. Please take note of my following suggestions.
• Pg. 43 Paragraph 2: "... Rivers of blood." Might be a bit grandiose. How does "streams" float your boat?
• Pg. 69 is just a drawing of a devil skull filled with snakes. Better leave that one on the cutting room floor.
• Pgs. 84-93 seem to largely be comprised of excerpts from Fight Club. Let's rethink this.
• Dual-wielding: a cool idea in practice, but the writing's on the wall with this one; for a student body of 737, we're going to need short, controlled bursts of fire, not the cheap showmanship of revolvers. All sizzle, no steak. Let's play a game of idea ball and think of some compelling alternatives.
• Pardon the honesty, but I can't go along with this whole "sunglasses and trenchcoats" idea. Again, Tyler, not trying to undermine you or anything, but this massacre is going to be considered hackneyed until we perceive some new angles. Let's think outside the box and generate some innovative ideas before we get labeled with the dreaded adjective of "copycat." Might as well be a four-letter word, am I right?
• If anything, Tyler, you strike me as someone who really believes in what he does. But tying yourself down to 20 "ironic" murders in a single afternoon? You're going to burn yourself out, and what's bad for the goose is bad for the gander. I don't know about you, but I really think making the entire starting line of the West Jefferson Cougars eat a deflated football is a real mismanagement of resources on our part. Let's trim your list down to five and really hit 'em out of the park.
• If you don't mind, I think I'm going to opt out before the whole suicide by cop thing. Let's chew the fat after our Healthy Christian Lifestyles class.

– Justin