I have been writing on this web site for half my life. That's longer than I've been alive!
That's also longer than our target audience - widower toddlers with $400,000.00 in disposable income - has been alive. If we're going to tap into that young demographic we need to make some serious changes.
- Every writer on the site will line up and be executed by a cannon.
- Did you know that YouTube and Twitch influencers are very popular? We're going to bypass the blandly insincere videos and get straight to the good stuff: A steady procession of insincere apologies for the dumbest/worst acts imaginable to preserve our brand.
- More longform articles about butter, butter sculptures, and general butter theory.
- Our content is currently displayed in reverse chronological order. New stuff at the top. Older stuff below. Simple. Just one problem: THAT'S NOT AN ALGORITHM! Now our content will be shown in completely random order determined by a malfunctioning computer with sparks flying out of its head, along with promoted features that aren't even on this site and a bunch of auto-playing videos/gifs.
- When you think about it, "Something Awful" has negative connotations. It sounds like it's describing a bad thing. Why would anyone visit that site? We're going to change our name to something more appealing like "Attractive Korean Pop Supergroup".
- Our world-famous artisinal forums code will be replaced by a new remix of Old Town Road. Somehow this will result in faster-loading forums and perfectly working search functionality.
- Universal health care for every visitor!
- Every day we will hold a meeting. We will look very closely at The Data, and restructure everything we do to optimize The Numbers. We will abandon all creative impulses in pursuit of The Numbers until we have all The Numbers. Then, malformed and completely unrecognizable, we will achieve Relevance.
- Every writer on the site will line up and be executed by placing their heads between the steel balls of a giant Newton's Cradle.
- Text articles? In 2019? We get it. From now on every feature will be accompanied by two videos: (Feature Title) Tutorial, which shows readers how to read that particular feature, and (Feature Title) Recap, which glosses over the feature's main points. Each video's run length will be longer than the amount of time it would take to read the feature.
- A new Virtual Reality section (or "Cool Zone") of the site in which readers can interact with longform articles about butter, butter sculptures, and general butter theory.
– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)