5AM:00 Make another billion dollars with computer
5:15 Passionate kiss on the lips, no big deal. Whatever. Girlfriend exists.
8AM Ten thousand full body launch push-ups using pecs only
9:AM Daily meeting with Lowtax. Once again he congratulates me on giving my latest article the least appealing title on the entire internet, a scarecrow of clicks (because it scares clicks away). This reverse psychology strategy has put us at the top of the viral heap for the nineteenth straight fiscal quarter.
12AM Board a personal hyperjet for lunch at Super Olive Garden, the Olive Garden that lays a slice of American cheese on top of every plate of pasta whether you like it or not
1AFTERNOON PM Answer the question, "Who dock?"
2:30 Holoconference with Zack. As always, he demands total silence on both our parts for the duration of the meeting.
4: Oh Clock Visit office submarine bay to stare at poorly installed support beams. They cost eighty thousand dollars each and were worth every cent.
5PM:00 Time to leave the office by walking through three miles of industrial hallways. Must stare straight ahead. Ignore the fairies calling out from intersecting halls. They are tricksters and the unwary who are lured off the main path by their honeyed voices will never be seen again.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Play your entire PS1 library from a single SD card. But not your Brady Strategy Guides.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.