I have seen every Star Wars movie except for the original trilogy, which were filmed before the technology to make good movies existed. And that's okay. Through cultural osmosis I have absorbed every relevant detail about Episodes IV-VI.

I know about the hero, Link Skywardsword. He's a simple young boy from a simple space village in a simple lobster shirt who dreams of a life of killing.

I know about that legendary evil moon, the Darth Star.

I know about the Ents, those large plodding trees that can speak and don't ever want to leave their planet. I know they are fiercely protected by the diminutive eWalks, a race of high tech teddy bear cannibals who chant their catchphrase "Yup, yup" at every opportunity.

I know about the Illegal Pit and the fights that go on in there between the digestion worm and Jarba the Hitta.

I know Dark Vedder is actually Yorfather, another name for the dreaded bastard elf wizard Yorda. That's why Vedder wears the helmet and disguises his voice.

I know about the two droids that are main characters: The upside-down droid getting his feet burned and the one that's burning the first droid's feet.

I know about the Ice Planet Huh which is where that famous conflict took place, the Battle of Yeahman.

I know about Some Troopers, the supersoldiers who fight on behalf of Emperor Pappytime.

I know about all the famous space ships. There's the Ayy-Wing, the Why-Wing, the X-Man, the Tie-Dyer, and the Marsupial Falcon. Legends, all.

I know about the bounty hunter with a backpack made of frozen carbohydrates. His name is Bounty Hunter and people can't get enough of his bounty hunting.

I know about the central theme of the original trilogy, which is that you can't make space without breaking a few egg stars.

I know about the series' iconic weapon which represents noble combat and captures the imaginations of young and old fans alike, the gun.

I know about the Jedeye and the Sips, two clans of noble monks locked in eternal combat. The reason for their conflict? They have trimmed down the Dungeons & Dragons rulebook to the descriptions of Lawful Good and Chaotic Evil. Now they want to delete one of the two remaining alignments.

I know about Trash Man, the large dog that fell down in a space mop factory mere moments after falling down in a space glue factory, then fell down in a space man factory. I know about his catchphrase, "If you say so!" Classic Trash Man!

– Dennis Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful