A Stoner's Lament

Dear Channel 5 News,

"Heinous."

This was the only word I could utter after watching the 4:00 AM rerun of your recent investigative news story, "DrugStorm! Are Your Children Safe?" As someone who has passed both mandatory writing classes for the General Studies program at The University of Phoenix Online, I am more than qualified to say that your quote-unquote "research" is -- to put it harshly -- harsh.

Are we supposed to believe the outright lie that drugs are suddenly easy to find in this town? Gentlemen, I spend six of my seven waking hours in a never-ending search of ways to get high, and I can assure you that drugs haven't unexpectedly increased in availability just because some second-grader decided to smoke a bowl and pass out during a spelling bee. Ironically, this has only made drugs harder to find -- and my buddy Rooster can attest to this -- or could if he wasn't busy picking up garbage on the highway right now. Sup, Rooster.

"The first one's free?" Really. Really? The homes of my friends and loved ones have slowly been stripped of their appliances and collectible plates over the years because I have ALWAYS had to pay for drugs. ALWAYS. And this sheer nonsense about being approached by drug dealers in the streets? Sheer nonsense.

Let me explain to you how it works: you know a dude who knows a dude who's hooking everyone up, but said dude (the latter) pulls the greatest disappearing act this side of The Great Gazoo whenever you so much as text him "NEED WEED PLZ WILL TRADE AUTO PARTS OR FAVORS :*"

As you can plainly see, "DrugStorm! Are Your Children Safe?" has only added salt to the wound that is my chosen lifestyle. I feel it is only appropriate that you reimburse me for my mental anguish, though I realize that sending cash through the mail is dangerous. This is why I am hereby requesting a $135 gift certificate to The Jester's Magic Skullcap, because they have this killer bong there that's in the shape of that big dog thing from The Neverending Story. Also, you will have to send someone to go in there and buy it for me as I am banned from this store for reasons I would rather not go into here.

If we cannot come to terms over this debacle I am afraid I will have to change my news station of choice to Channel 7, mostly because they have a blonder chick on there with bigger cans. Maybe you could work on that, too? I'm down with feminine equality.

– Seth "Lucky Charmz" Doogan