Street Smarts

Now this is one sweet ride that Vin Diesel could be proud of, assuming he can somehow fit his huge, huge head inside.

One of the hottest trends sweeping America these days is the act of car modification, not to be confused with body modification, in which individuals adhere random hunks of misshapen metal to themselves in order to look "cool" but instead end up resembling what appears to be a powerful ugly-attracting magnet which fell into a heap of industrial waste. Er wait, I'd like to retract the last part of that previous sentence. The act of car modification has gained momentum recently by its publicity in the smash Hollywood hit movie, "The Fast and the Furious," an action-packed, nonstop thrill ride about minorities who spend millions of dollars on their Honda CRXs, despite the fact that they apparently have no jobs. Car modification was quite popular before this movie was released, but it gained a NOS-boost in the arm after its release, prompting thousands of pasty teenagers to start spending their dad's money on customizing their car in such a way that it not only looks like a ridiculous Japanese toy that was discontinued after a four-year old choked on it and died, but so it also costs their parents an obscene amount of money in the process. As far as I understand, and God knows I really don't understand anything about car modification, this is the general process of events:

1) Teenager buys $4,000 Japanese car which is so light that it routinely gets picked up and blown off the side of the road whenever a particularly large pickup truck passes in the opposite direction.
2) Car is immediately painted the color of whatever mysterious substance the teenager puked up the previous night. If the teenager hasn't recently thrown up, then the color of his sister's menstrual cycle discharge is used.
3) The paint on the vehicle is then "touched up" with radioactive isotopes, allowing it to glow in the dark and burn holes through people's retinas during the day.
4) Decals with colorful slogans such as "WICKED RYDAH" or "THUG PIMPIN'" or "I LIKE SOUP" are plastered to the front windshield. A sticker that spells out the vehicle manufacturer's name in 140-point white font is adhered to the back window so everybody else in the world knows that the Toyota being driven is, in fact, a Toyota.
5) Normal headlights are replaced with bulbs that channel their light directly from the inside of the sun. Tail lights are replaced with piercing red bulbs which were handcrafted by Lucifer himself.
6) Random pieces of plastic and metal are welded in to the sides, top, and rear of the automobile to give it that "customized" look, much in the same sense that retarded people have a "drooling all over their pants" look.
7) The exhaust and muffler system is taken out and replaced with chrome city water pipes.
8) The factory tires and hubcaps are switched with ones that have bizarre part names including a lot of letters and number, such as "PRO-Z93SbSS380BUTTHAT392." The new hubcaps have lots and lots of shiny things all over them, like that one car from Spy Hunter which had retractable spears protruding from its wheels.
9) All windows are tinted to reflect 99.9% of outside light. The driver of these customized cars doesn't need to see anyway, particularly since they recline and lower their seat beneath the dashboard, to the point where it scrapes the ground, sending sparks everywhere during routine police chases.
10) The engine is scrapped and replaced with something that looks like a really shiny version of the female reproductive system. This new engine makes extremely loud noises, the one way of knowing your vehicle is very powerful.
11) The stereo system is stripped and a 500,000-watt system is put in, one that causes sonic booms every time a kick drum plays. These stereo systems are only allowed to play rap music and rap music only; if somebody tries to put in a non-rap CD, then the factory warranty is broken and the car will self-destruct. Rap music is very popular with people who spend thousands of dollars customizing their retarded car, because the deep bass shakes their brains like a baby inside a salad spinner, causing their neurons to misfire and thereby preventing them from realizing they spent thousands of dollars customizing their retarded car.
12) Cloth the color of reflective jogging gear is layered across the interior. This is the only substance with enough power to pass light through the tinted windows, as the material is powered by cold fusion reactors located in the trunk of the vehicle.

The future of modifications! Note that I'm playing "Section Z." Needless to say, this is not a very proud moment of my life.

I'm sure there are various minor points that I forgot to mention in this process, such as when the guy customizing his car realizes that despite how much chrome he attaches to his vehicle, the skanky women he tries to pick up will still laugh at his pubic-hair moustache and tiny penis, but that's because I simply don't care. Some of the people who spend obscene amounts of cash customizing their tiny cars are known as "ricers," a term that references the first teenager who radically modified his car for the "street look." Eddie Jenkins, the original ricer, decided to begin spending tens of thousands of dollars on his 1982 Toyota after he returned from a trip to South Africa, in which the exotic "Ghua Tai" Fly implanted tiny, rice-like eggs in his brain. These eggs eventually hatched and the flies began eating away his cerebral cortex, causing him to hallucinate, fall down stairways, and think that a three-foot tall spoiler welded to the back of his car would make it look "cool." Although most ricers these days lack the fly eggs in their skulls, they do emulate Jenkins' method of thinking and have adopted his car modification principles.

I really wanted to get into the exciting world of street racing, ricing, and car modification, so I asked Emily to beat me in the back of the skull with a crowbar for 17 consecutive hours last night. Unfortunately, this only resulted in a dented crowbar and my newfound inability to distinguish Diet Pepsi from regular Pepsi. I guess this works out because I don't have enough money to start stapling tail fins and racing stripes to our Honda Accord, so I have decided to do the next best thing: street modify things around our apartment.

HOUSEHOLD STREET MODIFICATION #1: THE TELEVISION

Watching TV is pretty fun and it allows me the chance to watch my favorite program, that Malaysian show where the two guys scream at the telephone pole for 20 minutes and then their wives try to put a cat into a very large boot. However, I felt that our television wasn't "fast" or "furious" enough to compete with our neighbor's TV, one which is always tuned to the popular "Ghetto Momma Hour" show and has its audio run through an amplifier built to broadcast voice messages to the moon. Some of the bottlenecks I found when inspecting our television set was the lack of speed in which the remote control sent signals to the television, as well as the lengthy amount of time it took to turn off. I have attempted to remedy this by building the following unit:

A) Spoiler. This keeps the television stable and lessens the wind drag coefficient. I don't even know if the term "wind drag coefficient" is a phrase, but for the sake of today's article, let's pretend it is. The spoiler is sitting on top of the television, which oddly enough, is located directly below it.
B) The remote control. Since losing the remote control can result in precious seconds shaved off my "channel switching" time, I have bolted it to a metal extension arm and mounted it on a titanium plate which reads "TYPE Remote" across it.
C) Laser amplification tube. This is divided into three parts. The first section is the regenerative cavity and uses to quarter-wave Pockels cells to trap inside the injected laser signal from the remote. This signal is then extracted after five double passes in the second section, the multi-pass region. The four extra passes through the amplifier are arranged in a double-X configuration using a four-mirror set-up, solving the parasitic self-lasing issue simply by having a saturable absorber cell and a plasma switch placed in the way of the regeneratively amplified beam before redirecting it for the next four passes through the amplifier. The third part of this tube is a big rock that has a sticker reading "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS" across it. I don't know why I decided to include that section, and in retrospect, it might've been a mistake.
D) Some kind of rectangle. I drew this diagram after taking about 50 Tylenol Cold And Sinus tablets, so I'm not quite sure what that is supposed to represent. Oh, and those red lines to the right of it are supposed to be laser beams, although they might possibly be ghosts.
E) Power pedal. By simply pressing this pedal with my foot, the television will instantly turn on (if it's off), or off (if it's on). This could be a valuable time saver if, when watching television, my arms are blown off by a mortar attack, thereby leaving me powerless to turn off the TV and call the police.
F) Optional sunroof. This will require me to knock a hole through the roof of our apartment, which is the price you have to pay for a decent street modification.
G) Exhaust fins. I'm not sure how to overclock or boost the engine inside the television set, so I plan on simply lighting a small fire below the circuitry and hoping everything works out for the best. The exhaust fins will allow the smoke and speed particles to escape and flow out through the roof, where they will travel into the atmosphere and cause cold fronts.

HOUSEHOLD STREET MODIFICATION #2: THE CD PLAYER

Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly saucy, I enjoy the musical stylings of famed composer John Tesh and the John Tesh Martian Weirdo Orchestra. However, I want my CDs to spin faster than anybody else's CDs. I need that extra edge to boost my music over the top and show off to the world how superior my modified system is compared to their boring run-of-the-mill factory system.

A) The toilet. I couldn't think of anything around the house that would cause other objects to rotate at an accelerated speed besides the microwave, and that seemed to have issues when I put a CD player inside of it and pressed the "POPCORN" preset button. My theory is that the microwave became enraged when it realized I was attempting to deceive it by pressing "POPCORN" but failing to place any popcorn inside of it. Regardless, the toilet does a bang-up job swirling my feces around, so it became the obvious choice when street modifying the CD player.
B) The CD player. While the disc inside the unit spins, the water surrounding it will spin the entire CD player, thereby giving a boost and a few extra critical rotations. If the CD spins 584,284 rotations per minute, and the toilet spins the CD player at three spins per minute, then that calculates to, uh, well, let's see here, I don't know, eleventy-million parsecs per cubivore or something. Also, fuck you Metric System.
C) This is actually a black coaster with the letter "C" stamped across it. I dropped it into the toilet when I was trying to determine where all of my turds go once I flush them.
D) A chunk of rock from Stonehenge. If there's anything that "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch" taught me, it's that pieces of Stonehenge grant highly vague and Satanic magical powers. Although most people would use this evil to enslave their enemies, bestow upon them unlimited wealth, or give them godlike powers, I prefer using it to make the water in my toilet rotate slightly faster. This kind of "out of the box" thinking is what attracted Emily to me in the first place.

Whew! Modifying household appliances for street racing sure is a tough, time consuming, expensive hobby. However, you can't help but feel good when you turn on your freshly modified television and watch flames spew out in every direction, immolating your loved ones and destroying all you hold dear. Those are flames of PRIDE my friend, and nobody can take that away from you, no matter what the judge says. I can't wait until "The Fast and Furious 2," in which Vin Diesel uses his souped-up Cuisinart to chop carrots at an alarming rate, blowing away the competition and causing the police to chase him for no apparent reason. Just like in the previous film, there will be plenty of people using nitrous oxide in the sequel. However, judging by the plotline, it will be abused in an entirely different way.

Bringing You All the Hentai Your Heart Can Hold!

Zack "Zack Parsons" Parsons here with a brand new hentai game I hate so you don't have to! This time I've reviewed the masterpiece entitled "Tokimeki Check In!". Head on over and check it out so we can laugh, cry, and maybe even do a little bit of learning about ourselves.

The guest list is so long that you'll get to "enjoy" the first hour or so of game play spent introducing character after character. Their names sort of blur together but you will be able to differentiate them by one pixel size differences in their gigantic breasts and the inhuman color of their hair. The game spans several days with you catering to every Japan-o-centric need of the female guests as you flit about the magical one hallway that connects every area of a two story inn. Personally I wouldn't let my dick anywhere near women who wear the same clothes five days in a row, but Mr. Yamano has MUCH less discriminating tastes.

Believe it or not this is actually one of the best hentai games I've ever played. In other news I just got one of the best cases of chapped lips I've ever had! You can read about one of these things in detail by clicking the latter part of this sentence which is mysteriously blue and underlined!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)