Trapped in Traffic: A Stream of Consciousness

There's no way I can hold it all the way to work. I'm gonna take this exit and find a bathroom. There's gotta be a McDonalds or a gas station or somewhere I can piss. Just gonna put my blinker on ...

Come on, come on, let me over! You're not going anywhere either! Oh, great, now my lane starts moving. Come on, the exit is coming up and I need to get over! Maybe if I drive slower I'll be able to nose my way- Okay, okay! Quit honking, asshole! I'm going!

Fuck. There goes the exit. At least traffic is moving again, maybe... aaand it's stopped.

*labored breathing and whimpering*

Alright, think, dammit... I'll just... I'll just pee in a bottle or something. There's gotta be ... Fuck. Of all the days my wife could have picked to clean out the car, it had to be yesterday. Wait, here's a water bottle, but it's full. Maybe if I chug all the water and then pee into the empty container, the water I chugged won't hit until... No, that's stupid. I'll just pour it out. What a waste ... fuck it though, this is happening.

Now to just unzip my fly and pull out my penis...With all these cars around...

Fuck, if that guy in the pickup looks over at me he'll be able to see right down into my lap! He'll see me with the tip of my dick in a water bottle! I'll just wait for him to pass...

Alright, he's gone. Just act natural, the lady in the blue sedan doesn't know your dick is out. Okay, okay, I think I've got it. Yeah... Ohhh God no! Now we're moving? Fine, fine that's good. It's only a couple more miles to work. Maybe *ohhh shit* m-maybe I can hold it all the way there after all...

Ohh God *sob* I'm gonna piss my pants. What if I piss my pants? I'll have to turn around and head straight home. There's no way I can go to work like that. But what excuse will I give my boss? Shit, what will I tell my wife? What will she think of me? Who could love a grown man who pees his pants? How could I ever face her again?

Oh, there's a lot of flashing lights up ahead. That must be the accident that was causing the slowdown.

THANKS A LOT, FUCKER! YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU INCONVENIENCED WITH YOUR STUPID LITTLE ACCIDENT? I'M GLAD YOU'RE DEAD! FUCKER!

Okay, now we're movin,' nowww we're movin'...

...But I'm still not gonna make it. This is agony!

Fuck, yes, thank you, God, thank you! There's the exit, there's the office parking lot. Holy shit. I might actually make it!

Okay, stand up carefully, easy does it. Forget making it all the way up to my office, I'll just run to the bathroom in the lobby. Oh, fuck. Trying to run was a mistake. Just gotta walk. Fast. C'mon, c'mon!

I'll save some time by unzipping my fly and pulling out my junk while I'm still 10 feet from the urinal. Watch out, everyone, I'm comin' in hot!

Ohhh thank you God, thank you God...

...

That was it? ALL THAT PAIN AND DRAMA AND YOU ONLY NEEDED TO PISS OUT THAT LITTLE DRIBBLE?

Fuck it, whatever; at least the ordeal is over.

Now to wash my hands by turning the faucet to full blast...

AW SHIT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

Thanks to Palpek for the Photoshops!

– Applewhite