Is this for real?

Sadly, yes. I know it sounds like an asinine 12-year-old's prank, but I really am trapped in my basement. I was unloading stuff from my car when the wind blew the bulkhead door shut, causing it to latch on the outside. Then I realized that like an idiot I'd left the door at the top of the stairs locked as well.

How do you update this site?

Via my old desktop that I had stored in the basement. I have electricity and internet access, although the latter is unreliable because it's over my neighbor's wireless network - I don't believe in paying for the internet as all it broadcasts is information and information should be free.

Why don't you call the police or fire department?

I don't support the police, fire department or any institution funded by taxes, since taxation is a form of slavery. As an act of civil disobedience, I haven't paid any taxes since I graduated college by refusing to get a job. (In case you're wondering how I pay my bills, I made a substantial amount of money in a business venture I can't disclose the nature of. And I get monthly disability checks.) In keeping with the spirit of this protest, I don't want to contact the authorities at this time.

What about your friends?

I don't have any friends. I have an antisocial personality that prevents me from reaching out to people. The few people that reach out to me I drive away with scathing criticism of their values, favorite music, and everything else they hold dear. The only people I consider 'friends' are a handful of internet forum members and a convicted murderer I communicate with via a prison pen pals website. (I've found that in addition to our confinement, we also share similar views on society and the prison-industrial complex.) He's promised to rescue me once he's released, but that won't be for several decades.

This isn't what I meant to upload how do I fix thCan't you break down the door?

I'm heavy enough that if I threw my weight against the bulkhead door, there's a chance I might jostle the latch open. But there's also a chance I might injure my shoulder or get a concussion. I have a Japanese katana that would make short work of the door, but it's worth $1000 and autographed by the drummer of Guitar Wolf, so there's no way I'm going to risk damaging it.

What do you do for food?

I have 2,000 MREs that I bought at an army surplus store. They give me all the sustenance I need. For water, I place a pot under a leaky pipe by the water heater. I've never been able to stand the taste of plain water for some reason, so I generally add other ingredients for flavor. Flavors I've invented so far are beef, cereal, ketchup and Ramen Packet Surpise.

How do you go to the bathroom?

There's an old washing machine down here that serves as a functional toilet. I know that sounds gross, but washing machines work roughly the same way as toilets. The only difference is that they clog easier, so after my bi-monthly bowel movement (the one downside to MREs is they constipate you something fierce) I have to run a load of Drain-o and fabric softener.

My lavatoryWhat about bathing?

This is one issue I can't address. I can't collect enough pipe water for a bath and the washing machine water is a permanent urine-yellow. Bathing is overrated though, as exposure to bacteria actually strengthens your immune system. That's why last week I was able to eat a package of expired fish sticks with only minimal dysentery.

Do you have a girlfriend?

That's none of your business.

But I'll tell you anyway: no, I don't currently have a girlfriend. Nor do I anticipate having one. Due to an emotionally abusive childhood, I fear intimacy and don't think I have anything to offer a relationship partner. I'm currently looking into discount clinics that offer castration (I've concluded that's my best option at this point) and will probably visit one once freed from my basement prison.

I notice you have a "Donate" button. Do you actually expect me to donate to your crappy site?

I don't expect you to do anything you don't want to. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about this site from people who feel they can relate to its content and message, but obviously it's not for everyone. The Donate link is simply so people who do appreciate the site can support it if they wish to. If you don't like this site, don't donate.

For any additional questions not covered in this FAQ, feel free to email me. You can email me here. Or if that hyperlink doesn't work, it's Just copy and paste the address into your email program, Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V.

– Scott (@notoriousamoeba)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful