My hands are shaking as I stumble into Blippy's Tavern. I'm not sure if it's alcohol withdrawals or a mild seizure from the Astro Fighter cabinet, but the migraine throbbing in my skull like the Contra jungle theme tells me it's probably the former.
Did you truly believe this ASUS Zenpad 10 had all the features you needed, or did you secretly enjoy giving our sales associate Dan a smaller commission? Don't lie to yourself. Lies brought you to this counter. Only the truth will allow you to leave.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
I'm Max Martin, the Swedish songwriter behind "Baby One More Time," "I Kissed A Girl" and pretty much every hit single of the last twenty years. You might think an ear for melody like mine is a wonderful gift. But you're wrong.
Self-driving pizza delivery cars were an invention never meant for this world.
As your manager, I couldn't help but notice that productivity is a little low this month, and I think we can leverage this zombie situation to strengthen our teamwork skills.
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
My therapist says that writing letters to someone, even someone who doesn't exist, can help one explore their feelings. I'm just not sure why I chose you, the final boss of the 1989 arcade game Midnight Resistance.
This week, I'll be playing an '80s arcade rom rumored to be a CIA mind-control experiment. Please like and subscribe!
Ebay user todd1409 is a liar. The Cowboy Bebop DVDs were in flawless condition when I appeared at his door and threw them at him.
If you grew up in the '90s, before the Ant People came in their death cruisers to conquer Earth and send its people to toil in the uranium mines of Formicus VII, you had a great childhood!
Before my son, Daniel, was born, I secretly dreaded fatherhood. But the moment I first looked into his wide, inquisitive, glowing eyes, my life changed forever.
I knew that constantly imagining myself being interviewed for The New Yorker was vain, but it seemed harmless. Until one day.
It's hard to come up with original and compelling brand stories these days. That's why advertisers should repurpose the tried-and-true stories of classic literature.
This VR game has become sentient and is killing us one by one. But is it art?
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
Given our society's obsession with stalking and ridiculing celebrities, it's tempting to seek a life of anonymity. But beware: not being famous has its own hidden costs.
Sick of the Meat Cube, BK Club and Apple Pie McFlurry? Try ordering these ultra-secret menu items that only a handful of fast-food customers know about.
Being forever 21 sounds good at first, but in the grand scheme of things it's an existential nightmare.
Stay 'woke' on the best treatments for chronic sleeplessness.
Now that Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize in literature, hopefully these other great musicians will win the award in the future.
Surveying the horrors of nuclear annihilation, I realize the hubris of my species and the grand indifference of the universe. But I have to admit, a lot of these horrors would make great band names.
Office cubicles look a lot like a maze, if you arrange them into a maze and forget that in a maze you have to walk around, not just sit in a chair and browse Facebook all day.
Critics of Obamacare claim that it's unconstitutional, increases the national debt and imposes too many costs on businesses. But what do they propose we replace it with?
Gingerdead Man 3: Someone punches or just sort of pokes the Gingerdead Man, exploiting his one weakness of being a man made of gingerbread.
In Permanent Midnight, Jerry Stahl's heroin addiction alienates his friends and wife. I don't have any friends or a significant other, so I figured that for someone like me, drug abuse would have the opposite effect and make me popular.
Am I boring you? Does the flesh-rending, bone-splintering brutality of the Fight Palace put you to sleep? In the arena, a moment can mean the difference between life and death, but clearly a moment of your time is too much to ask.
The moment I step inside Planet Fitness, I feel completely at home. No prying eyes staring at me, judging me, like they do on the street. It's almost like that horrible, regrettable incident never happened.
I've never been one to define myself by my clothes, so an ironic "Future Children's Party Clown" t-shirt appealed to me. I might have been weird, but I knew I'd never become a children's party clown. Until I did.
In a change of format, the next season of The Simpsons will consist entirely of the cartoon family discussing the lives of their fans.
Check out that biomechanoid in the corner with tentacles for hair. I bet she spent an hour on that hairdo she wants you to think she just crawled out of a pool of amniotic jelly with.
The store is empty, funereal, a museum exhibit on twenty-first-century fashion. Mannequins stand vigil over untouched merchandise, staring at me like the bust of Ozymandias. If there were teens in this place, they left long ago.
Legendary musician/harbinger of doom the Plague Piper appears on VH1 Storytellers to share the inspiration behind some of his most popular songs.
Many reviewers feel the new album of Kurt Cobain's home recordings violates the dead musician’s privacy. But what if Kurt Cobain is really spying on us?
Are you leading a class or book club discussion on Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, aka the book of the dead? Here are 13 prompts to get things rolling.
With all these great tats, it's safe to say I'm the most unique person on earth. Which sounds great, until you realize how lonely it is.
Late in the 21st century, most human recreation is performed by robots. Every night, the robots go to bars and nightclubs and transmit the experience to their human masters. At the end of the night, the robots must return to their factories to be destroyed. This is not called execution. It’s called closing time.
We’ve been called the world’s most dangerous band. That title mainly refers to the danger of being in our band, which has lost several members due to drug overdoses, time-travel mishaps or because they were eaten by our drummer, Quark. I'd fire Quark, but he's 12 feet tall and is our moral compass for all decisions that don't involve eating people.
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Elliot told us the legend of Grout Man, a ghostly being who used his psychic powers to make teenagers steal grout and bring it to his mansion in the woods. He then made them grout the tiles on his patio for all eternity.
The Kill List MFA Program grants a terminal (no pun intended) degree in writing lists of targets for the U.S. government to extrajudicially murder. The online program meets twice a year to workshop the students' lists.
You know what happens when you assume ... or do you? Here are some more consequences of assuming you might not be aware of.
Has the passion been fading from your relationship? Maybe it's time to try something new! Remind your partner that you love him or her with these fun and unique love coupons.
Brooklyn was once a hotbed of gang violence, with groups like the Pure Hells, Satan Souls and Screaming Phantoms carving out their turf. The borough has gotten a bit safer over the years, but many dangerous gangs are still at large.
The unexamined life is not worth living, which is why it's important to live your life in front of a webcam, where it can be examined by hundreds of lonely men. But like any fine art, camming has its do's and don'ts.
Sometimes I'd get bullied while driving the driver's ed car. The guy behind me would give me a wet willy so hard that his finger would poke through my eardrum and into my skull, damaging the part of my brain that processed depth and time.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Recently, I won a trip to New York City to appear on "New York or Butts?", a game show where contestants must distinguish aerial photos of Manhattan from pictures of bloody, hemorrhoidal anuses. While touring the city, I discovered some great spots that all visitors to the Big Apple should add to their itinerary.
I'm walking down the street when a white man asks me if I know what time it is. I think he's trying to mug me or sell me Bruce Springsteen tickets, so I throw my pizza at him and run.
CANCER FACT: A group of people called "Cancer Chasers" try to contract cancer by sleeping with cancer patients. Most are unsuccessful, except for a few who get cancer from smoking after sex.
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