Which Truck Is Right for You?

It’s time to be the Big Man on a Little Street. Designed with no regard for average city dimensions, this medium entry truck lets everyone know that you have a truck. It’s powerful, it’s unnecessary, and it’s fully loaded with hardly functional features that sound important. To get the most out of your SuperMAX Ultra Cab, be sure to upgrade to the “This is a Metaphor for my Package” package.

New Features Include

• Expanded width to ensure all parking is triple parking
• Every piece of the car has been calculated and numbered for easy stat boasting. (Example: V6 5.0 Engine, 3 SPS (swipes per second) Window Wipers, 17 USB 1.0 ports, 1cm thick faux leather, Tires: 4)
• Muffler replaced with 10-point speaker system to amplify sound of acceleration
• Cab lifted three feet higher to block vision of drivers in all directions
• Upgraded engine for up to 6 powerful MPG (estimated highway)
• Turn signal automatically disabled
• Extensive brain surgery available to replace your memories with scenes from Mark Wahlberg movies (Optional)
• All metal (including frame, screws, and welding material) replaced with chrome (Optional)

This entry level truck is perfect for the masculine copper scrapper who needs to slip through alleys with a bed full of “acquired” metal. If you’re American and have certain preconceived notions on what that means, then the XXL MegaBIG Crew is the truck for a Patriot like yourself.

New Features Include

• Anti-Environmental Engineered Engine to blast a haze of black smoke during idle
• Bed fully equipped with empty Mountain Dew bottles that roll around at every traffic stop
• One stretched out bungie cord included for all your
• Available Colors: Rusted Black, Rusted White, Rust (Special Edition)
• Pre-sun bleached Jegs and Sunoco stickers applied to gate (Optional)
• Includes one (1) blown out bungie for all moving needs

The DeLUX King QuadCab isn’t a truck. It’s a three-ton status symbol. You’ll cruise around your suburb knowing that it is legally impossible to drive anything bigger without a Class A license. Everything rough or difficult about trucks has been replaced with cutting-edge technology and luxurious comfort. There’s nothing manlier than being on the receiving end of extreme pampering.

New Features Include

• Fully integrated CabHub featuring satellite radio that only plays the Eagles “Hotel California” and a web tool that auto Likes all your nostalgic Facebook posts
• Dash loaded with the exact same knob and dial loadout of a cold war fighter jet
• Never lose vision in your behemoth with backup camera, left and right turn camera, forward drive camera, and the new 2018 sky camera
• Six photo ops a year of your truck in incredibly masculine locations (previous locations include: towing a boat, moving fallen oak tree, scaling side of mountain)
• Heated steering wheel and foot massaging gas pedal means constant comfort no matter how bumpy the Target parking lot has gotten
• Mobile Wi-Fi autosyncs with your childrens’ phones to call you every couple days
• 5 gallon minifridge built into the back row of seats because despite all the advancements sitting in the back of a truck still sucks
• Front seats replaced with two king size Tempur-Pedic mattresses
• List of fifteen customized excuses for why you’ve never actually loaded anything in the truck

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)