UFO's and Art Bell

CALLER: "Doctor Laura, I gots a problem. My baby's in the trash compactor and won't stop crying. What do I do?"

DR. LAURA: "Take her out of the trash compactor."

CALLER: "Thanks Dr. Laura! You're a true genius." (Hangs up)

NEXT CALLER: "Doctor Laura, I need your advice. Should I invite a Neo-Nazi to my son's Bar Mitzvah? The Neo-Nazi bags our groceries at the local Food Hut and he often tries to stab me with a knife, but I think I'd feel bad if I didn't invite him."

DR. LAURA: "You shouldn't invite him."

CALLER: "Thank you Dr. Laura!" (Hangs up)

NEXT CALLER: "Hey Doctor Laura, my 89-year old mother has been acting cranky for the past week. She keeps shouting and crying. What can I do?"

DR. LAURA: "Is she in the trash compactor?"

CALLER: "Let me check." (Pause, filled with screams in the background) "Yeah she is. What should I do?"

Aliens and how they're everywhere and can't be stopped and how they could float into your home and start shoving lawn furniture into your rectum if they really wanted to,
Bigfoot and how he's everywhere and can't be stopped and how he could tear your wife in half and force feed her corpse to your kids if he really wanted to,
Deadly diseases and how they're everywhere and can't be stopped and how they could kill the entire world's population if we don't IMMEDIATELY start investing in canola oil and pork futures,
Ghosts and how they're everywhere and can't be stopped and how they could possess your wife and force her to start performing slightly embarrassing dance moves during an important social event.

ART BELL: "Greetings everybody. We're at the bottom of the hour and our special guest Dr. Biff Largenbus was just starting to explain the connection between the recent UFO sightings in Eastern Nevada and the government's refusal to comment on the abundance of sodium in the new Gatorade 'Mega Melon' flavor. So Doctor Largenbus, what were you saying about UFOs in the previous segment?"

DR. LARGENBUS: "Well Art, I was just establishing the fact that nobody, including you, Art, has ever seen a convertible UFO before. Tell me Art, have you ever seen an UFO with its top down, Art?"

BELL: "Fascinating. No, I can't say that I have."

DR. LARGENBUS: "So it's obvious that the aliens, Art, who I have already established are time-travelling humans working with the Pleiadians to terraform the Earth for their species, have a weakness against sunlight. Do you see, Art? Their skin actually combusts under natural light, Art, as I have proven in many experiments at my scientific laboratory which I recently upgraded to provide both hot and cold running water, Art. Have you ever noticed that when people are abducted it's usually during the night, Art? Art? Have you? Art?"

BELL: "Intriguing. This really makes you think, doesn't it?"

DR. LARGENBUS: "Well Art, back before the accident with the farm thresher, Art, when I was working for the government on their top secret Majestic-28 project, Franklin D. Roosevelt actually visited us and gave an order to destroy all evidence linking the alien visitations with the rise in popularity of Pepsi-Cola and ICBMs. Tell me Art, when was the last time you heard of Pepsi-Cola sponsoring an alien research study? Huh, Art? Art, Art, Art, Art."

BELL: "Incredible. I can't believe I've never heard this theory before; it makes perfect sense. Let's see if any of my listeners haven't overdosed on heroin by now. Ray in San Bernadino, are you there?"

CALLER: "BLUUUUGGGGGHHAAAAA!!!" (Horrible screeching sounds and echoes reverberate in the background) "BLLUUUUAAAGAGA GROOOOOOLIE."

BELL: "Ray, Ray! You'll have to turn down your radio, Ray! We can't hear you. Ray? Ray! TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO, RAY!"

CALLER: "MAAARMA HORRRRRDAAG." (More ungodly noises fill the background, like a pig being rubbed up against a cheese grater)

BELL: (Pause) "Oh wait, my producer just informed me that your radio isn't turned after all. You claim to be an alien who is currently traveling across the ninth dimension and this is your method of communication. Sorry Ray, but you'll have to call back on 'Alien Free For All Night' this coming Friday. Carla in Rosedale, you're on."

CALLER: "Hello?"

BELL: "Hello Carla, you're on the air with Art Bell."

CALLER: "Hello? Am I on?"

BELL: "Yes Carla, this is Art Bell and we're talking with Dr. Biff Largenbus. Do you have a question?"

CALLER: "Hello? Art?"

BELL: "Yes ma'am, this is Art, go ahead with your question."

CALLER: "Art who?"

BELL: (Disconnecting) "Jay in Birmingham, you're up."

CALLER: "Hello Art, I love your show. I have a question for Dr. Largenbus. You wrote in your previous book, 'Laughably Vague Predictions For the New Millennium', that humans would be granted incredible psychic powers in the year 2000 which would allow them to construct entire cities just by merely using their mind. Do you have any clarifications you'd like to make on why that didn't occur? Because I tried doing this the other day and nothing happened except my dog looked at me funny but my dog always looks at me funny because he's been dead for the past seven months."

BELL: "Excellent. Fascinating question."

DR. LARGENBUS: "As a remote viewer, I have no exact perception of time. All I can do is make a rough estimate. It's like a blind NASCAR driver attempting to plot out the entire solar system while engaging in a one-handed swordfight and memorizing the entire Bible in Latin. You surely can't expect me to beat such odds, can you? It's an imprecise science, as I've explained in my recently published book, 'Where Are We Now and Where Did We Come From and Why Aren't We There Now Where We Were Before Now?' which you can pick up at finer K-Marts across the US."

BELL: "Amazingly interesting. That's totally incredible. Doctor, using your professional judgment, would you say that these aliens will kill us all?"

DR. LARGENBUS: "Probably."

BELL: "How very intriguing."