They say the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. My Arnold is so morbidly obese that he needs help from the hospice nurse just to use the bathroom.

In a pinch for Christmas gifts? Your grandchildren will be amused into sheer confusion when they see their favorite cartoon characters made of milk cartons with special notes and candies from grandma inside. Stencil "you share with your sister" on them for that added touch.

Bake a batch of cookies into the shape of your enemies' heads. Now feed them to a dog. Wait for further instructions.

If you pitch a big enough fit, they will let you take home your plate at Red Lobster.

Take this gal's advice, and don't get into the poison biz! People can make poison out of just about anything these days.

If you can trust your secrets with anything, it's a bird.

Inspirational tale: A small child is in a field, searching frantically for something. He looks up, sees God, and tugs on this thick, white beard. "God...?" the boy asks. The booming voice responds, "Yes, my child?" The boy squats down on his haunches. "Mama told me I should count my blessings. Well, where are they?" God smiles. Then, he twists the boy's head off because he's a Catholic.

Um, waiters of America? I ordered an iced water, not an iced ice!

I'll take a basket of daffodils over sexual intercourse any old day!

Keep a thumbtack under your tongue and all day long you'll be treated to the taste of blood.

You can't catch raccoons with peanut butter... but you can sure enjoy eating it with them!

If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times: I didn't kill those boys.

– Helen Boczek

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