Skymall Product Reviews: Largest Crossword Puzzle
My wife and children seem like a distant memory now that I have this wonderful crossword puzzle. I dread its completion, yet yearn to make it happen as soon as humanly possible. This must be how the male praying mantis feels.
Skymall Product Reviews: Cobra Walking Stick
It's just lovely, and the design goes great with most of my shorts and vests. Cobra walking sticks are great conversation starters and women are very attracted to the men who utilize them.
Skymall Product Reviews: Komfort Kollar
Pros: Extremely comfortable memory foam support helps you relax on long trips. Cons: Sharp hooks inside cushion dig into neck and become locked around jugular.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Peeing Boy Fountain
Don't be a chump. Spring for the piped version with the recirculating pump. I feel like an idiot for not doing that. It breaks my heart looking at this little guy standing there, holding his thing and trying to pee.
SkyMall Product Reviews: ZenHaus Dog Crates
The vague product description doesn't explain much. Is this large enough to fit an adult woman? How wide are those little side vents? Could I Get a 16" meat lovers pizza through them? Disturbed such common questions are not addressed in product details. Please be more thorough, SkyMall.
SkyMall Product Reviews: X5 HairLaser
We bought this to use on our hairless dog, but were shocked to discover the laser was baconizing his skin. The dog loves licking his new flavored flesh, and so do we. We're very afraid he'll start to gnaw it off, though. The smell is mouth watering and intoxicating.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Personal Infrared Sauna
Love it, but would love it more if they added a hole to the seat so I didn't have to clean up any messes after extended stays inside. It's a bit hard to get in and out of and it's not like I'm going to diap up for something like this.
SkyMall Product Reviews: King Tut Life-Sized Cabinet
This is the fifth item I've ordered from SkyMall that's placed me under a curse. Most SkyMall curses are pretty tolerable, but this one is filled with horrible visions of scarabs eating my children's flesh. The cabinet itself is OK, but I haven't been able to get it open again and all of my Tracy Chapman CDs are inside.
SkyMall Product Reviews: The NeckPro Traction Device
Love it. Makes me feel like gentle angels are reaching down and grabbing the base of my skull and pulling upward as if to remove my head from my body completely, only they don't and the disorienting euphoria that follows briefly frees me from my neck pain for a good 10-15 minutes.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Mega Mini Spy Camera Pro
Works like a charm! Have accrued over 80 hours of video of a certain family dog dragging his buttocks on the carpet. Will be presenting this evidence in a kangaroo court in our living room. Open and shut case, family. A slam dunk for sure. This dog is guilty and going to doggy prison.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Litter Robots
CONS: Plays fast and loose with Three Laws of Robotics. I personally witnessed it operating with a cat inside, allowing harm to come to it. The cat was showered violently in its own waste products before being deposited into a tiny drawer of filth.
SkyMall Product Reviews: MLB Forest Face
Just a face? Heh. Let me know when you get below the neck, then we'll have some business to conduct, SkyMall.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Porch Potty
I'm tired of dogs getting all the best places to s***. Why can't we humans have it good for once? I bought one of these for personal use & I'm not ashamed. Not one bit.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Babette Table
Adds just the right amount of maturity and beauty to my living room, which is sort of mostly Spider-Man themed. I like this table and may continue to gravitate towards a female legs motif and phase out the Spider-Man stuff, depending on how things go with dates. Keeping an open mind and open heart.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Head & Eye Massager
I got this for my horse who has been under a lot of stress lately. Long story short we are no longer on good terms. What a terrible product. I will not be recommending this head/eye scratcher to others and I am a very influential person.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Fresh Breath Pet Oral Care
I know this says it is for dogs, but that probably just means it works twice as good on humans like every other dog product. Can I safely fill my mouth with this stuff? I'm going to try it and assume I can. Here I go.
SkyMall Product Reviews: UpRight Sleeper
I have tried all of SkyMall's complicated head and neckware, and this is by far the least uncomfortable. The main benefit of this product is that there are no extra parts putting pressure on your eyeballs, grinding away at your scalp, or blasting your head with lasers.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Home Cellulite Smoother
DOES NOT WORK AS ADVERTISED. Thought it would smooth out my fat, but all it did was move it to the right side of my body. Now I'm debilitatingly asymmetrical and can no longer hold down gainful employment as a toll booth operator.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Pugz Shoes for Dogs
We decided these shoes were not ideal and shipped them back. By mistake we shipped them back with the dog still wearing them. WE HAVE BEEN ON THE HORN WITH SKYMALL FOR DAYS TRYING TO GET OUR DOG BACK but they have no records of getting her. AT LEAST GIVE US A REFUND, JERKS!!!!
SkyMall Product Reviews: Spray Away Animal Repellent
Pointless. The "sensor" gizmo is not smart enough to differentiate between common bird species. SkyMall, please let me know when you develop a product that can specifically target the nervous systems of birds I don't like. I've got some rude characters in my yard, and I want them to suffer for what they've done.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Nano-UV Wand
IS IT WORKING? I've spent about three hours just running it back and forth over a carrot, hoping it would give me some indication when the carrot was safe to eat. I’ll keep running it over the carrot until I get a response. Some kind of progress bar or robotic voice saying something like "WARNING! FECES DETECTED" would be great.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Enormous African Elephant
This is literally the absolute perfect addition to my tar pit. It's been driving me nuts seeing that tar pit sit empty all these years. Thank you SkyMall. Now I can start having ladies over to the place again.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Bob Marley T-Shirts
I recently got into T-shirts and have been buying as many as I can. They are comfortable and do a great job keeping you cool in the summer, allowing your arms to breathe. I don’t know who this Bob Marley fellow is, but if he endorses T-shirts, he’s got the right idea. Put on a t-shirt. You won’t regret it, buddy.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Skull Sculpture
BROKE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. Like within five minutes of taking it out of the box and having my brother in law Shaun throw it at head, the thing was on the floor in a million pieces. Thanks for all the dumb skull pieces, SkyMall. Real scary.
SkyMall Product Reviews: FaceTrainer by no!no!
Idiotic product for idiotic people. Putting your face in a mask isn't going to make you look younger. If you want to look younger, you have to use science, and science is crystals and magnets. Wake up me when you figure out a way to put my head in a crystal and bombard it with magnetic rays.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Faux Tattoo Men’s T-Shirt
I got this for a costume party, but felt so good wearing it I haven't taken it off yet, and the party was weeks ago. People now call me "that weird shirt guy" and sometimes just "him." Feel like I'm making a real name for myself now!
SkyMall Product Reviews: Single-Handed Barber
I’ve been using this thing on my dog and I’ve got him smooth as a marble. It’s getting harder to coax him out of the closet he’s been hiding in, but he’s never been sleeker. Wish I could get the hair underneath his skin, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Sooner or later I’ll get that too.
SkyMall Product Reviews: HoodiePillow Hooded Pillowcase
Love it! This works better than my old method of awkwardly squeezing my head and torso into a pillowcase, especially since I often got stuck or lost circulation in my limbs/head.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Yeti Tree Hugger
Terrible. Just terrible. My neighbor installed one of these and I hate it. It gives me the willies every time I look outside, like some kind of nosy minority staring at me. I give both this product and my ethnic neighbor 1 star.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Giant Male Silverback Gorilla Statue
I bought the male gorilla and inspected him top to bottom. Even flipped him over to see the underside. I can tell you with absolute authority they did not do their due diligence in terms of anatomy. Important orifices are missing, making this thing 100% non-functional.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Grillbot Automatic Grill Cleaning Robot
If there's some kind of drone pilot for these things, please have my unit return to me at once. You guys have an unsatisfied customer in the making right here.
SkyMall Product Review: Velociraptor Dinosaur Statue
Here's how it went down: bought a dinosaur to bury and surprise my kids by digging it up with them. I don't remember where I buried it, so, basically this thing is a huge waste of money and a total rip off. It's not even real anyway. Give me a damn refund.
SkyMall Product Review: Singing Gondolier
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Grillight LED Grill Light / Spatula
Cons: Have to leave camp to steal batteries, sometimes catch a glimpse of my reflection in spatula and recoil at the terrible thing I've become. Very difficult to receive packages at my current location.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Alpha Fuzion Personal Sauna System
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
SkyMall Product Review: Tortilla Baby Newborn Swaddle Blanket & Hat Set
Makes baby look too appetizing. Also I have my thigh stuck in one and I can't get it off. It's so tight around the skin I can't cut it without risking injury. IT'S A LONG STORY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Peacock Goddess Sculpture
This is the crown jewel of my erotic lamp collection, and a must-have for any serious pleasure lamp collector.
SkyMall Product Reviews: NIGHT GLOW Toilet Seat
Pros: Much more comfortable than my last toilet seat, which was a transparent resin with seashells embedded inside. The outer layer wore off from friction, exposing the sharp jagged edges of the seashells, which were constantly scrapping my backside and causing major cuts and open sores.
SkyMall Product Review: Grand-Scale Humpty Dumpty Statue
Once again I'm stuck with a useless egg man statue and nobody to tend to my robust physical and emotional needs. Worst of all, the egg man didn't even come with a stool. I have to share my recliner and bed with him, and he is not sensitive to my needs at all.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Goddess of Light Floor Lamp
Does not handle moisture well. When I took it in the shower, it didn't take long before I got a really nasty shock and then smoke started coming out. This clearly was not engineered to withstand normal wear and tear.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Cowch Holstein Cow Bench
The perfect addition to my living room. The hardy resin exterior is fantastic, because I can just hose it down to remove all the raccoon dung that tends to accumulate.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Giant Red King Crab Statue
A fitting tribute to Crabnar, our Lord and Savior from the Briny Depths below. I shall pray always to this altar, and make sacrifices worthy of His Succulence.
SkyMall Product Reviews: End Table Crate
Works great as a family penalty box. Break a rule: that's an hour in the crate, buddy. No exceptions. I have purchased 4 and all are currently occupied 24/7 by my awful, rowdy sons.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Ten Commandments Tablet
Best thing I've ever done was buy a set of these and set them up in place of our old TV. Now my family and I spend two solid hours of prime time every night looking them over from across the living room. We're having a lot more fun and best of all...no more arguing over the remote!
SkyMall Product Reviews: Hollywood Smiles Teeth Whitening Kit
WHAT a RIPOFF!!!!! You can get the same effect by smiling at the sun for a few hours every day, which is what I do. Guess what, bucko? The Sun is 100% free, delivered to your front door every day.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Parisian Poodle Serving Table
It was love at first sight when I first glimpsed the Parisian Poodle Serving Table, which seemed the perfect complement to my home. Unfortunately, that very same home was taken from me when the tunnels I was digging underneath collapsed, causing the entire structure to be condemned.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Raffles Faux Leather Throne
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
SkyMall Product Reviews: Hot Bod Beach Babe Woman Body Raft
By the time I finished inflating this thing, I was too tired to use it. This is just like real dates. Women wear you down making you jump through so many hoops, then you are simply too exhausted and sad to continue. The pump should be free.
