February 25, 2014

"looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run

— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) February 13, 2014

Im never not amazed by the power of Sport to captivate me, to capture and re-capture my imagination once again anew. #Sochi2014

— swimp (@_swimp) February 13, 2014

How many comedy shows am I not going to tonight? Let's get on twitter and find out!

— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) February 17, 2014

people tell me to quit dipping a lot but everyone loved it when i drank 30 beers that one day

— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) February 18, 2014

hey now, you're an asshole. cut your dick off..don't…mate -how that smash mouth song shoulda went like

— BINDY⍟JOHAL (@mrbillding) February 19, 2014

hmm i need to get a whole bunch of pdfs on my phone *opens applications, selects Booty Bass Bounce Selector App*

— Nihilistic Texan (@DinkMagic) February 20, 2014

You took too long to reply to my text and now I am a cutter.

— moody monday (@mdob11) February 21, 2014

My ex is marrying an unsmiling Russian with no Favstar to speak of

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) February 21, 2014

My family is away and so far for dinner I've had two carrots dipped directly into hummus tub, bourbon, and 7,000 peanuts

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 21, 2014

.@Springsteen Why do you get laid off from your job so much?

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 21, 2014

Had my sexual awakening when I was 12 and the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile crashed into that curtain store.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) February 21, 2014

Im incredibly powerful ... and getting more powerful

— Nihilistic Texan (@DinkMagic) February 22, 2014

i appear to have been prohibited from inviting any more people to like rob zombie's facebook page

— Kill Tim Faust (@crulge) February 22, 2014

Hahaha a goddamn neurosurgeon just looked up while in the middle of a procedure when he heard someone say "sixty-nine" and was like, "nice"

— A$AP dvmmy (@elzw) February 22, 2014

You know I can’t do Wednesdays, Jennifer. On Wednesday I record my minecraft trolling videos. Is divorce court open on Sunday?

— nt (@genderentropy) February 22, 2014

geting crunk with all my small animal friends. we sippin... we smokin... we out here in the forest

— Stupid Jokeobson (@JevenSteakobson) February 22, 2014

I like websites

— Tom Crabtree (@itsCrab) February 22, 2014

Every picture of me looks like when you pause the TiVo in a bad place

— .lia. (@SocialMediaLia) February 23, 2014

9:18 pm ready to take on the day

— rachel linda (@rachel_linda_) February 23, 2014

YouTube won't let me unsubscribe from EatingLuciferDick

— Sabrina Hernandez (@IllMakeYouLaugh) February 23, 2014

Good parenting is when your child tells you, reverently, that her pizza "unironically owns."

— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) February 23, 2014

Dearly beloved. You guys we're here to honor the totes amaze life of someone who can't even right now. Please open your Instagrams to pg 2

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) February 23, 2014

my head is physically getting larger as i get older which youd think would be impossible

— Nihilistic Texan (@DinkMagic) February 24, 2014

I have contacts that make my pupils look like green dollar signs ($) so that people at work think I'm always having a million dollar idea

— Danezie Russo (@daneZie) February 25, 2014

this is the first sign that there may be a problem in keeping pretend dollars inside your computer

— barnabus (@othersome) February 25, 2014

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)