March 26, 2013

twitter on iPhone is cool because you can move the screen like a DJ with a record except instead of it going fafafresh its dudes complaining

— Wild Yeast Sourdough (@DinkMagic) March 12, 2013

"this is your captain speaking, we're cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet. my son greg is a bisexual & wants to be a violinist"

— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) March 13, 2013

proceed → or↓I'masweaty babythebigfartbonerworstbootlickerand lovin itcrapassjerk,bitch

— chairboiled (@chairboiled) March 13, 2013

Yoni is really the nicest word for vagina but it's also the name of this guy in hs who used to skateboard around in a full-body windbreaker.

— Zooey Davechappelle (@mauracakes) March 14, 2013

When I get super nostalgic, I like to slip into a 98.6 degree bath, turn off all the lights and have my mom pour martinis in my bellybutton.

— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) March 15, 2013

I assume everyone I see in a low rider truck is on their way to a "getting a ton of pussy" conference.

— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 15, 2013

“I think female masturbation should be called flapjacking” and other reasons I don’t get invited to brunch anymore

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) March 16, 2013

Reminder that one time in Ireland I reached the summit of the Wicklow mountains to find an abandoned blue Ford sedan on fire, belching smoke

— Jeb Lund Sese Seko (@Mobute) March 17, 2013

lol a "salmon" colored shirt YEAH RIGHT

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 17, 2013

UGH NO MOM I CANT GO TO BED I'M TOO BUSY SHAKING IT FOR THE YOUNG BUCKS IN THE HONKY TONKS AND THE REDNECKS ROCKIN TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN!

— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) March 18, 2013

kevin bacon looks like one of those one direction boys ran afoul of a bog witch

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) March 19, 2013

FACT: 'Spencers Gifts' was originally called 'Shit Hoarders Wouldn't Keep'.

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 19, 2013

U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi you killed that boy and left his body behind a Sears.

— Aaron Blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) March 19, 2013

Not saying this mystery novelist should retire but all her protagonists wear "sensible pant suits" and get rescued by their grandparents.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 19, 2013

"the pizza tracker should include a GPS on the driver" -me, an insane person

— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) March 20, 2013

Hilarious Gregory's Comedy Grotto, tonight, 6:15. I'll be performing a set consisting entirely of my Pope jokes. Here's a preview: "GANGNAM

— plantation (@Ulillillysses) March 20, 2013

My life's just like that scene in I Love Lucy when the machine at her job goes 2 fast so she eats all the chocolate, but minus the job.

— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) March 20, 2013

Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) March 20, 2013

Today I brunched for six hours total. I'm only tweeting this so I can remember the one day my life was perfect.

— Ahm (@Ahm76) March 21, 2013

I guess I really just want to meet a nice guy that I can irreparably ruin a friendship with by boning a couple times.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 21, 2013

"I love skylines, tetanus, and fingerbanging" - inventor of the Ferris Wheel

— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) March 21, 2013

the boy who cried worf

— Rose (@avocadobravado) March 22, 2013

Press Y to fuck the Alien Babe. Press X to Read the Bible with her

— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) March 22, 2013

Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.

— Sam (@SamuelRahsaan) March 22, 2013

Just saw the coolest magic trick at Chipotle! This guy turned 30 cents worth of rice and beans into $7.50

— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) March 23, 2013

i choke myslef with a bra on webcam and my face becomes so purple and bloated that the software no longer recognizes it as a face #sexlife

— wint (@dril) March 24, 2013

Here's what we know so far: at 3am a man logged onto the internet, posted "livin' large," linked to a picture of a fat hog, then vanished.

— Josh (@Livestock) March 24, 2013

why was seal team 6 afriad of seal team 7. they werent they are hereos not afraid of anything

— thrillbo (@thrillbo) March 24, 2013

#LiesIveToldMyParents mew is in the truck near the ss anne

— Pube Goldberg (@PubeGoldberg) March 25, 2013

Girl are you the plot of JJ Abrams's Star Trek film because you have a few holes that some terrible nerds want to fill

— BMcD's Millhaus (@AllNewBMcD) March 25, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)