July 30, 2013

rip everyone who died today

— egg dog (@egg_dog) July 30, 2013

Errbody in da club tryna get my shoe out dis toilet.

— Miss Andry (@PissAndry) July 29, 2013

Remember when the 1st NY Times paywall was just for the opinion section & it failed because people actually preferred being unable to see it

— GENERAL GANDHI (@Bro_Pair) July 29, 2013

Nope. Staying in a bubble bath for a very long time doesn't turn u into a superhero w/ bubble powers it just make u look like a napkin

— NyQuil Made It (@HotSugar) July 29, 2013

COMEDY TIP: Some basic comedy principles include the rule of three, deliberate misdirection, and boners.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) July 28, 2013

I'm kind of sad that I'll never recapture the moment of incandescent fury I felt, the day I found out about steampunk-themed sex toys

— some of my blurst (@someofmybest) July 27, 2013

a drunk bride-to-be just peed on the street outside my apartment and made all my dreams come true

— cass (@casskeeley) July 27, 2013

if a midget is little why he got hair ?

— Kwest MC (@IngloriousKwest) July 27, 2013

sorry lady, what i had assumed to be my male clitoris is just a mondo hemorrhoid. i am super horny now from your actions though

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 27, 2013

Missed connections: you were at the weird al show. I was the guy who leaned over to say "no wonder they call him weird al" after every song

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 27, 2013

being a writer is a great job if you love looking at a blinking cursor and wishing you were dead.

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) July 26, 2013

how to make a Banh mi vietnamese sandwich. 1. go to subway and get the subway club 2. go home and put thin carrots instead of the toppings

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) July 26, 2013

if you are a fan of my acct it is because you like to watch a hormel chili sucking son of a bitch blunder through the universe

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) July 26, 2013

Nothing makes me more aware of death's cold pursuit than a bar singing no diggity

— Sam Biddle (@samfbiddle) July 26, 2013

"world's greatest dad"? *knocks mug out of my son's hands, shattering it* more like world's shittiest mug. bring me the mug with tits on it

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) July 26, 2013

guy I went to high school with posted a big truck on facebook with the caption "girl, if u got hips like these, give me a call"

— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) July 26, 2013

Honey The Kids Are Crying I'm Going To Drink Beer In My Shed

— jon sender (@senderblock23) July 25, 2013

I sprayed Axe on a roach now it's just bitching about its DWIs

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 25, 2013

one small step for man one giant step for a really small man

— Acid Dad (@awesomeacid) July 25, 2013

Funny how my mom wouldn't let me go anywhere near a blowgun when I was a kid and now I'm like THE blowgun guy on YouTube

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) July 23, 2013

you should check out this kids show. it actually has some references for adults. because it wasn't written by kids, as i initially thought

— NEON WARIO (@neonwario) July 18, 2013

my room is set up so when you open my door theres a fake ass pumping away and a robot says IM HAVIN SEX when i sneak out to play video games

— rad milk (@rad_milk) July 17, 2013

Batman in your stupid car you look like a turd with abs inside a roach with abs

— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) July 17, 2013

*tumblr teen voice* this black, albino, plus-sized model is so beautiful. shes so.. different. so exotic. im so openminded. this is about me

— brian touch-a-butt (@charMANdork) July 17, 2013

had a nightmare where I left an awkward voicemail and then a curtain came up and a thousand people watched and then they start booing

— Lord BEEF (@lordbeef) July 17, 2013

"Officer, it was 1977 when Fleetwood Mac said You Could Go Your Own Way." -How I successfully argued out of a ticket this afternoon.

— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) July 17, 2013

I'm sorry I will not be able to attend work today. I am extremely nauseous because I just met a grown man named Colton.

— Princess Anús (@Slashleen) July 16, 2013

*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013

Who ate all the “ Temptation Select's™ ”. I Wanted Too Eat All The “Temptation Select's™ ”

— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) July 9, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)