December 3, 2013

if you don't already hate humanity, do a Youtube search for "Sonic the Hedgehog rant," your opinion will sway.

— Rich Lowtax Kyanka (@lowtax) December 3, 2013

Is there a photo editing app that makes me not look like Alice Cooper?

— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) December 3, 2013

From now on, anyone who uses the phrase "won the internet" is automatically disqualified from the internet.

— Nell Scovell (@NellSco) December 3, 2013

richard dawkins trying to understand basic human interaction is like a weak child trying to open a giant pickle jar

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) December 3, 2013

its a nice day for a .... cyber monday... its a nice day to.... shop again!!! ooh come on... take me online now... to ... shop againnnn

— first time slammer (@olhnso) December 2, 2013

i def can't wait to find out how many dickheads identified their religion as "pastafarian" in the 2013 census.

— milt ronmey (@someofmybest) December 2, 2013

all you have to do is "click" to join my clique, online that is ;). also your name must be some variation of nightstalker

— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) December 2, 2013

Not to brag but I can still fit in my culturally-defined gender roles from high school!

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 2, 2013

my high school b-ball team dabbled in the black arts, passing the talisman of PleasureKevin from man to man,.. enhancing our pussy licking

— deg (@degg) December 2, 2013

Tricked a kid into reading Tom Sawyer for me.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) December 1, 2013

wonkas factory essentially has an 20% survival rate

— christmas lindsey (@Lindzeta) November 30, 2013

family asked what i do at the THanksgiving table.. revealed that i fight commercial holidays like this online (the new frontier of activism)

— COMPUTER_KID (@COMPUTER_KID) November 29, 2013

Nothing says "I'm very thankful for everything I have" like waiting in line all night to buy some new shit

— Patrick Ryan (@patrickmarkryan) November 29, 2013

"comin' in hot" I scream as I run into a crowded bathroom and fart into a urinal

— meatlobes (@meatlobes) November 29, 2013

Sweet that this Thanksgiving my entire family observed a moment of silence. Weird that it was after Grandma asked what we were thankful for.

— Jennifer L. (@TheFearBoners) November 29, 2013

Really looking forward to being the hot drunk aunt at future holiday gatherings.

— amber (@soleilalaplage) November 28, 2013

THANKFUL FOR ALL THIS PUSSY

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) November 28, 2013

these potato wedges are too thick... like tunneling through a never-ending potato... life is suffering... down so long don't know what up is

— getfiscal (@getfiscal) November 28, 2013

Ding Ding dinners ready! *rolls up to kids table in my comp chair*

— My Info (@pr0spector88) November 28, 2013

[i'm obscenely guffawing at the head of a banquet table eating a jumbo turkey leg, my favorite books in the other chairs around the table]

— brendle what (@brendlewhat) November 28, 2013

I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) June 20, 2012

i resemble sports illustrated in that im worthless and i have swimsuit issues

— bog dole (@bug_deal) October 20, 2010

some day i'm gonna get hit by a car driven by a secretary who owns 5 chicken soup for the soul books and she's not gonna stop

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) October 14, 2010

I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 5 billion dollaers???

— ''Steve'' (@extranapkins) August 7, 2010

*alarm goes off* ah another day to promote libertarianism!! *bolts upright in bed, bonking my head on the top bunk which knocks me out cold*

— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) November 27, 2013

wine and pop tarts, you're the one / you make bath time so much fun

— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) November 27, 2013

oh no i forgot to let love soften my rough edges i forgot to do that oh no

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) November 26, 2013

quit vining yourself pulling pranks on people who make minimum wage you pieces of shit

— Tracy Marquez (@tracy_marq) November 26, 2013

*gallops off into the sunset laughing at yo bitch ass*

— Barack Obama (@itsa_talia) November 26, 2013

I believe in a thing called shrek.

— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) November 26, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)