Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Doom Eternal. March 20th. As a people we have not been faced with a choice of such consequence since... well, ever. This is the decision that will define us.

Doom Guy runs at a speed of roughly ninety miles per hour, and walks at a speed of roughly eighty miles per hour. He enjoys exploding demons almost as much as he enjoys stylish green helmets. His signature catchphrase is a grunt. His signature move is to run in place face-first against a wall. While grunting.

Villager has no need to run. Villager enjoys greeting neighbors almost as much as Villager enjoys catching fish and holding them up for the camera. Villager's signature catchphrase is absolute nonsense written down in a cute note. Villager's signature move is getting suckered into soul-crushing long term debt.

Advantage: Doom Guy (Doom)

Shovel lets your Villager dig up fossils. Dinosaur bones. DINOSAUR BONES. It also lets you plant trees, uncover hidden goodies, and generally turn your village into a pockmarked turdhole.

Chainsaw lets your Doom Guy rip and tear. RIP AND TEAR.

Advantage: Shovel (Animal Crossing)

Glory kills allow Doom Guy to finish off demons with gruesome melee attacks, recovering precious resources.

Catching bugs allow Villager to slowly creep up on insects like he's Sam Fisher or something.

Advantage: Catching Bugs (Animal Crossing)

K.K. Slider is a dog, who plays guitar.

The Super Shotgun is a shotgun, who is super.

No advantage. Tie.

Hell is a vividly realized gauntlet of adrenaline, packed with enemies and secrets. It is the ultimate playpen of mayhem rendered at eyeball-searing framerates.

Village is quaint. It is rendered as a funky curved diorama that rotates as you walk around, creating the sensation that your village is a tiny planet of its own.

Advantage: Village (Animal Crossing)

The Villager shakes trees to collect goodies. The Villager shakes trees to stave off boredom. The Villager shakes trees to dislodge the posted ordinance forbidding villagers from shaking trees.

Doom Guy punches everything. He interacts with computers by punching them. Doom Guy interacts with doors by punching them. Doom Guy probably interacts with his morning cup of coffee by punching it. You don't want to see Doom Guy's bathroom.

Advantage: Punching Everything (Doom)

The Cyberdemon is a cybernetic demon. It has all the meanness and ferocity of a demon. It also has cybernetic wires. These... make it more mean and fierce? I'm not entirely sure what the cyber stuff does.

Tom Nook is an opportunistic raccoon. Let me tell you about this little son of a bitch. THIS FUCKING GUY- (Bites hand, counts to ten) This isn't a good guy.

Advantage: Tom Nook's nephews, the actual power behind the throne (Doom)

FINAL VERDICT: Buy both games, you cretin. Duh.

– Dennis Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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