Dear valued GameStop employees,

In this unprecedented time it's important to remember that we are all in this together. You, toiling in our retail stores and not receiving bonus pay. Us, issuing occasional demands from our luxury bunkers. This camaraderie is how we will make it through the coming days.

Specifically, we just need to make it until the launches of the PlayStation 5 and Xbox Series X this winter. Those consoles will bring in a tremendous infusion of cash, which none of you will get, at which point us executives can activate our golden parachutes and lay off every single one of you without a second thought.

How, exactly, will GameStop employees operate as this pandemic continues to spread? For the most part you will simply go about your jobs as normal, keeping in mind a few additional guidelines.

Directive #1 - Ask each customer if they have Covid-19. If they say no, ask if they would like to pre-order Covid-19. Explain the benefits of pre-ordering. Upsell them on Covid-19 insurance (to protect their Covid-19) and a subscription to Game Informer. Remember, employees who do not reach their weekly Covid-19 pre-order quotas will be fired.

Directive #2 - Scrub your hands after every customer interaction. Specifically, pour Final Fantasy Blue Mana Potion drink product on your hands and rub them together, then press them against a running game disc scratch buffer until your skin is dry and raw.

Directive #3 - Wear a Fallout 76 Special Edition replica helmet for protection. When done, return it to the shelf and sell it as a new item.

Directive #4 - If a co-worker succumbs to illness, surround them in a makeshift quarantine tent made of stacked Funko Pops and a Harley Quinn wall scroll. This will contain the virus until the end of your shift, when you can call an ambulance. From your own phone. Have them picked up on the curb so it is not considered a workplace injury.

Follow these directives and good things will come. To us.

"Us" doesn't include you, to be clear.

Sincerely,
Management


Half-Life: Alyx
It's like I'm actually in Half-Life, throwing something in the dryer that I should not and turning it on. 10/10

Wolcen: Lords of Mayhem
Some games are like other games with the serial numbers filed off, but Wolcen is like every other ARPG with the serial numbers poorly upscaled then run through a terrible sharpen filter. 2/10

Doom Eternal
It's different than 2016's Doom, which means I didn't have as much of a smooth fun ride as that game but I will think about it and ultimately like it more - this is what I call the Dark Souls 2 conundrum. 8/10

Animal Crossing: New Horizons
It's an improvement upon New Leaf, sure, but it's also an accidental mental health emergency relief package for the world. 9/10

Snack World
Waste of a perfect game title. 4/10

Resident Evil 3 Remake
These remakes are so authentic they even made this the worst of the first three! 5/10

Nioh 2
Nioh was Dark Souls for idiots with terrible taste, and this is the vaguely better sequel they don't deserve. 7/10

– Dennis Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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