Patch Notes: Fallout 3

This patch marks the first post-release update to the best post-apocalyptic adventure of the post-2007 year. We hope the following bug fixes and gameplay changes will greatly enhance your experience with Fallout 3. Thanks for buying our game - may all your cells remain mutation-free and may the bottlecaps flow like whichever liquids they were meant to hold in place!

Bug Fixes

- Removed a bug that was forcing the game into a first-person perspective. Everything should now be working just fine in the 2D sidescroller format that we intended.

- The door that leads out of the vault you start out in was not opening due to a glitch, making it impossible for players to progress beyond the introduction. We added a "DOOR'S BROKE" sign to the adjacent wall so people don't waste their time trying to find some alternate way of opening it.

- Fixed an error in the rendering engine that was replacing ash and crumbling concrete with grass and spotless sidewalks/roads.

New/Reworked Perks

- Adamantium Skeleton: When you are defeated and consumed by cannibals, they will nod in approval and whistle at your impressively shiny skeleton.

- Animal Friend: Does away with the limit of cats you can keep, provided your character spends the rest of the game wearing a floral housecoat in a bombed-out apartment.

- Bloody Mess: Now causes enemies to explode in gibs when struck. The previous version of this perk has been removed, along with all references to sanitary pads.

- Computer Whiz: Allows your character to instantly determine whether the object he or she is looking at is a computer.

- Rad Resistance: You are 50% more likely to resist the sexual advances of radiated mutants.

Gameplay

- Added analog control to your character's drinking animation, making it possible to avoid molecules of radiation by maneuvering your cup very carefully.

- New armor for your dog companion: Put socks on his paws, watch him go!

- Utilizing V.A.T.S. is great for bringing battles to a standstill while you aim at specific parts of your enemy, and now you can use this exciting mechanic during conversations. Simply enable V.A.T.S. while talking to an NPC and both of you will pause, look around, and shuffle your feet as the silence lingers. Then, target a specific direction and your character will hook his thumb towards it while saying "Look, I've got something to do... over there, so.."

- Shooting 100 bottles from a distance without missing increases your Waste Precious Ammo skill by 10.

- While purchasing an item from a vendor, you now have the option of throwing your bottlecaps at his/her face. Get one in the mouth, win your item for free.

Far Cry 2
There's something vaguely unsettling about the fact that our society is willing to pay $60 to get malaria and yank bullets out of our wrists with rusty pliers, but that's not as unsettling as the voice actors speaking so quickly it seems as though they're trying out for a Micro Machines commercial, or the fact that I referenced a fifteen year old advertising campaign. 8/10

Red Alert 3
If Joseph McCarthy was still alive to see a communist Gina Carano in leather hotpants and a skimpy top, he would prefer Company Of Heroes for its attention to detail and superior depth of combat. 7/10

Fallout 3
Lives up to all the expectations, especially the expectation that Bethesda still hasn't learned how to make convincing human faces. 9/10

Fable 2
A boy and his dog, and his top hat, and his trail of bastard children in broken homes, and his fledgling wood chopping career, and the neverending quest to stand in front of strangers and flex. 8/10

Silent Hill: Homecoming
Welcome home, your favorite rapist and his friends are on their way over and if you're hungry there's plenty of fog in the kitchen! 7/10

Spider-Man: Web Of Shadows
Now that there have been a dozen decent-to-good Spider-Man games with Venom, can we please have a great one without him? 7/10

Golden Axe: Beast Rider
Featuring 10% of the Golden Axe beat-em-up style that you want, along with 10% of the beast riding that the title implies. 5/10

MotorStorm: Pacific Rift
Some really good new tracks that are being released as a proper sequel because marketing shows that DLC sales drop off after the first 14 milkings of your audience. 7/10

Game Party 2
Other misleading names to trick parents into buying your horrible game: Fun Game, Enjoy Play, That Game Your Kid Wants, Wii Fit Was Pretty Good. 2/10

Wii Music
If you think other music games' plastic instruments make people look ridiculous, this is the tuba and triangle simulator for you. 6/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)