Puzzle 09 - "Sins of the Father":
Give the wood plank to the ogre twin on the left. He will comment, "I cannot do anything with that item". Repeat this process a total of thirty times. On the thirtieth attempt, he will cast a magic spell upon the plank, turning it into the red keycard you need to progress.
Puzzle 13 - "Emperor Darkbane's Wrath":
Sink fifteen basketball shots before the buzzer sounds. Watch out for the swooping mosquito clouds!
Puzzle 17 - "Let God Sort it Out":
Escort the snarky hacker across the plank bridge maze. Don't walk too quickly or she'll stop in place. If her pathing causes her to fall, just reload and start the puzzle over from the beginning.
Puzzle 25 - "Paid in Blood":
Wander around in the woods until you find a rock and enough twigs to build a crafting table. Now make an axe. Now search every container for water bottles and jerky or canned goods.
Puzzle 49 - "A Murder Weapon Named 'Murder Weapon' ":
Move the line from the beginning of the maze puzzle to the end of the maze puzzle.
Puzzle 56 - "Meet the Man Behind the Curtain (Jonathan Blow)":
While crouching, approach the guard who is facing away from you. When you get close enough, hit the button to perform a brutal takedown.
Puzzle 80 - "No Reset For the Wicked":
Repeat the dance moves in the exact order they were shown.
Puzzle 131 - "Professor Quimbly's Curious Spriggisprocket":
Exhaust all dialog options until you are asked to explain what Braid was really about. Type in the correct answer in exactly 250 words to continue.
Puzzle 204 - "Turret Sequence":
Aim the turret at your enemies and press the Right Trigger button for massive damage combos. Be careful not to hold the button down too long or the turret will overheat!
Puzzle 497 - "Revelations":
Don't move the cursor at all. Let the cutscene play. When you regain control, immediately run forward, outrunning the lava wave.
Puzzle 542 - "In Which the Hot Bikini Babe Dies in Your Arms and You Swear Revenge":
Walk down the corridor in slow motion, the rain and dramatic music emphasizing how dramatic it is that you're injured and limping towards the finale.
Puzzle 665 - "You Were Really the Island's Creator This Whole Time... But Were You Solving Puzzles of Your Own Volition or Merely Doing What You Were Told? And Are You More Machine Than Man?":
Press the corresponding buttons when the QTE prompts show up on screen. Once you have deflected all three missiles back towards Shadow Darkbane, his armor will crack and you'll move in for the kill. Quickly tap the button to parry his final sword blow and decapitate the evil lord once and for all.
I'm just going to give this thing a high score so no one suspects I was too stupid to finish the game. 8/10
Homeworld: Deserts of Kharak
Something must be wrong with my video card, this game is called Homeworld but the outer space looks like sand and everything appears to be happening on a relatively flat plane. 7/10
Oh, and just so everyone knows I'm not dumb at all, The Witness is important and I got the important things it was saying. 8/10
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
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