Into the Record Books by a Hair
You know, I always wanted to be famous, but I never thought it would happen. All that changed on Christmas, when a three-inch hair grew on my back. A true holiday miracle. Now the Christmas Hair and I are destined to be entombed in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Winter Sucks, But Try To Enjoy It.
I’ve spent the last three months in Rome doing as the Romans—mostly crashing scooters and wearing tight pants, but now it’s over, and I have no idea how to spend my time back home. To help myself, I’ve compiled a list of my old favorite winter activities.
This Is Why People Hate You: Habits
When was the last time you went to the movies with a group of people? Been on a double date? Have you ever gone on a road trip? Does it seem like people generally avoid you? Guess what? They are, and here’s why.
Turning Twenty-Two and the Quarterlife Crisis
I’m getting old. With a quarter of my life passed, I can look at all the disappoint that will fill my future. To make it worse, I found a list of goals I wrote years ago. Now I’m forced to blend my childish dreams with the dreamless present world. Who knows if I’ll ever be the hero I once imagined.
Daylight Savings Time Travel
For centuries, scientists, kings, and members of the band Wyld Stallyns have tried to discover the secrets of time travel. Daylight savings allows us to relive an hour of our life once every autumn. Unfortunately, daylight savings time occurs around two in the morning, but what if we could choose which hours in our life to relive?
Of Geeks and Gentlemen
The gentlemen of the Victorian era and the men who fill the World of Warcraft servers share a connection invisible to our 21st century eyes. The two share a bond through history that connects them as brothers.
Cutlass Ciera: The Untamable Beast
Cutlass Ciera; once a luxury car, now a pain in my ass. It was my first car, bought off a drug dealer for $1,000, but took $3,000 over nine months just to keep it on the road. The automobile was ugly, uncomfortable and broken.
So You Want to be a Tourist?
Embarrassing one’s self sucks, especially when surrounded by Europeans. The only way to secure your pride is by being well read. Instead of spending hours reading delicate, well written travel books filled with beautiful pictures, read my two-page summary and enjoy the world through my eyes.
Repugnant Jobs: Pornography Actress
Three men were sent to the hospital when this famous show tried to cover the grossest job in America: the porn industry.
Craigslist: Where Love Flourishes
Craigslist.org has become the most popular website in the nation for finding used wheelchairs and obese women. Every personal advertisement is a mixture between raw homemade pornography and that table in middle school filled with weird kids.
Doctor Hitch's Archaeological Journal
Gregory Hitch found the greatest archaeological site in history. Unfortunately, he and the site went missing after his disappearance. A team of explorers has unearthed the famous doctor’s journal, which I am sharing with you.
All the Fun Under the Sun
The heat during the summer can decrease motivation. Luckily for you, I have compiled a list of my all-time favorite activities along with pros and cons. Now all you have to do is pick one. So weigh your options and yourself, and come outside!
Lick The Hand
Worms overfloweth from my ass, make sure it doesn’t happen to you! An infestation can happen at any time, so be careful and learn about my pinworm paranoia before you too are overwhelmed with worms!
