ARCHURE (Thanks, Joki!)

ARCHURE (like "archer," except spelled in a dumb way) is the alias of Will Chris Holley, a "one man band" specializing in awful MIDI music and weird, rambling posts. We last visited ARCHURE back in 2004, and it seems Holley has kept pluggin' away at it for the past decade, god bless him. He's even looking better these days, thanks to the magic of blur filters.

The site, on the other hand, is still as garishly hideous as ever, despite his feeble attempts to modernize things. For example, now there are links to his Facebook pages right above advice for people with slower dial-up connections (careful, all these MIDI files might make your 5800 baud modem explode). And he includes his OKCupid username, in case anyone out there's interested in dating a man with an "educated libido," whatever that means. I should emphasize that this offer applies to women only, as Holley makes clear in this helpful disclaimer:

ARTISTIC and GENDER PREFRENCE DISCLAIMER: Archure is a Straight person, and an Artist. You may see Pink at Archure.Net from time to time, here and there (typically in a blend from Red-Orange to Violet), but Archure is only interested in affections from a woman, Achure is personally Hetero aka Straight. Growing up in a show biz family in Hollywood etc, Archure was around gay culture, had gay friends as a kid and in college, but is personally straight by preference, birth, and choice

He also links to the Wikipedia article on heterosexuality, in case you doubt straight people exist or something.

While ARCHURE's music mostly consists of bleeps and bloops that can be roughly considered rock or new age, the band has also branched out into country-western, thanks to a certain family friend named Willie Nelson and oh my gosh silly me how did all these names get on the floor. Sometimes ARCHURE gets so wrapped up into the music that he gets accidentally racist:

I greatly enjoy playing this style of music, however, I also play blues and rock; and some people who are into C&W Music, don't like blues and rock, and I pick up accents, and for some unkown reason, when I am around some southerners, I apparantly start talking like an Afro American, without meaning to do so, and this upsets them so, or maybe while playing music, a stray blues riff might come out (my grandfather dealt with Soul Bands too). So, while at first, everyone just loves me, eventually, this sort of thing slips out, and they say "That's It, get him out of here". Like wise, some Afro Americans have been shocked and some of my C&W riffs.

Speaking of musical talent, ARCHURE's prowess on the synthesizer allows him to simulate brain waves that can help prevent seizures. Can your Justin Biebers or Ladies Gaga do that???

ARCHURE is more than just the music, though: It's about being socially conscious and sharing facts about vegetarianism! ARCHURE wants you to "B Happy" by taking B vitamins to stave off depression, and to eat healthy by following his improved, embossed food group charts. Then there's his "Human" page, where he seems determined to figure out this whole evolution thing once and for all. Who knows how many of life's mysteries ARCHURE will have solved by the time we check back with him in 2026?

– Adam "rubber cat" Jameson (@robbercat)