Behind the Badge of a Deputy Sheriff, submitted by grzydj. Come on, admit it, you've always wanted to know what it's like behind the badge of a deputy sheriff. It's been gnawing at you for years. Each and every day, you've gotten out of bed, fallen to your knees, thrown your hands in the air and bellowed with all your might, "Oh, if only, if only there was a website that could show me what it truly like to be behind the badge of a deputy sheriff! Then at last, my life would have meaning and I could stop masturbating quite so much! The only thing that would be any better than that is if there was a website that not only gave the full behind-the-badge experience, but was also dedicated to Jesus Christ and was loaded with typos!" Well, get off your knees my friend, because the glorious day is upon you - is here!

The site contains the personal testimony of a man who went "from Marine, to Deputy Sheriff, to Navy Corpsman, to finally finding what I was looking for in Christ!" As we all know, there's nothing more loveable, endearing, and wholly and completely necessary to society than a cop who wants to shove Jesus down your throat. Like every other Jesus freak site out there on the net, this one is loaded with Bible quotes, random images, and oddly placed blocks of colored text that look like hyperlinks but aren't. And of course, there are the plentiful and spiritually enlightening spelling and grammatical errors. This guy has written way, way too much on the topic of being a police officer who believes in Jesus. I think one or two anecdotes would hammer that point home well enough, but apparently he disagrees. He's got pages upon pages of explanations of how to defend your faith. After all, Christians are so widely persecuted around the world that... wait... He combines his police work and his faith to help each and every person cope with thoughts of suicide:

I never investigated a suicide and found that the person had a problem or problems that was totally different then the problems that many other people also face. Most importantly I never investigated a suicide where there was a problem too horrible or too bad that one act would not have taken care of it. That act would have been to lay that problem at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ. There is no sin (and that is what most problems are or at least start as) that Jesus cannot forgive and help the person deal with.

That's right, there isn't a single person on the face of the planet who can't be helped through the worst misery of their lives by having someone else's religion forced on them. I know it always works for me! He's also got plenty of stories from his cop days in his "police humor" section. "Police humor" in this case translates to "not humor."

We started asking him questions about where his truck was stolen from and when, etc... We also asked him how he got all wet and sandy. He became very nervous and at this point we asked him if he realized that if he had been driving he could be charged with filing a false police report.

He said, "Just forget the whole thing if you don't believe me." He tried to go around me to walk off. I put my hand against his chest to stop him and told him he would have to wait because we had called the Highway Patrol since we believed he had been the driver.

He slapped my hand away and said, "Get out of my way, Stupid!"

He quickly found that he had just done two things which you just don't do to Police Officers at 3 a.m., or any other time for that matter. Those two things were slap at them and call them names.

Whew, I'm glad that last sentence was there! Otherwise I would have thought the two things you never do to police officers at 3 A.M. are filing police reports and walking! That saved me some serious trouble. And talk about funny! No, seriously, talk about funny. I need a new topic to take my mind off these incredibly boring stories. And for that matter, this massively irritating site. There are some things that just don't need to exist.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful