Drunk Alcoholic (Thanks, calculations!)

John Green serves as the chairman of the Omaha Public Power District's board of directors. He's also, according to this site, a drunk alcoholic, which is surely the worst kind of alcoholic. As the text and a rambling voiceover remind visitors, such accusations are protected by the First Amendment, which also allows people to unleash hideously designed Web sites filled with side-scrolling multi-colored text and daft circa-'90s GIFs without fear of legal reprisal.

Mort Sullivan, the hard-hitting reporter behind the "truthful common sense newspaper" Heartland Times (which appears to consist entirely of Drunk Alcoholic and a few equally ugly sister sites) has uncovering shocking evidence in the form of a 2007 letter, written by someone who coincidentally shares the Sullivan surname, alleging that Green guzzles wine at a bar the tipster has never actually visited. There's also a scan of a 2004 DUI ticket Green received, and the haphazard vow that "Next time John Green may be arrested we are going to recall -- John K. Green -- laws." "Perennial candidate" Sullivan will run against Green in November: His campaign platform doesn't specifically address how the time demands of this elected office might affect his maintenance of his many grudge sites.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller