At first glimpse, eFoods Direct looks like just another buzzwordsy Peapod, delivering your groceries (maybe organic groceries). This is where the deception begins. eFoods is not just about food. In fact, it's barely about food, at least food in general. It's about food and the Illuminati. Or at least food and martial law, the Bible, Iraq, and 2012. You see, eFoods doesn't sell regular food. It sells FUTUREFOOD that's been dehydrated and put into cans so you can survive when the Obamanauts come to steal your children and grandparents. Technically, I'm exaggerating, but I'm sure that's just because I haven't taken the time to listen to the interviews CEO Steve Shenk has done with Alex Jones.

Maybe eFoods Direct started out as a completely normal company, providing food for campers or whatever, but eventually this guy discovered that if people are scared enough, they'll turn survivalist, hole up in a shack/old bomb shelter/hidden closet-room, and shell out tons of cash to stock their shelves in preparation for the IMPENDING DOOM. Good for him, then, I guess, giving comfort to those kindly, paranoid souls in the form of waterless broccoli.

Dude's got the wording down pat, alluding to upcoming catastrophes and inconveniences without producing any evidence (did you know that, soon, you'll need a National ID card to purchase food? Neither did I!). References to violence from and toward the American people; the word "legislation" bolded (big gubmint, bad); references to guns and then Cuba, China, and Germany somehow connected to food: This guy has it all. He even takes out ads detailing the people he doesn't want to buy his products (sex-education proponents, "modern day money changers").

So, verdict? Niche-marketing genius, or suspicious hydrophobic scientist? I don't know! Maybe you can figure it out. Or maybe not, because if you're anything like me, you'll find that the longer you look at this Web site, the harder it is for your brain to parse and understand words. Superman!

Gold sold separately.

– Daryl "Fucking" Hall

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful