"If you have been guided to this page, something in your soul is telling you that information will be given that you need to hear."

A few years ago, Ellie Crystal wrote a book called 2012: The Alchemy of Time. According to Crystal's site, "the screenplay adaptation of the book is in the hands of a Hollywood producer, it's destiny to be shown in early 2010." While this might not seem like the most fortuitous time to release a 2012-themed movie, given the existence of not only a big-budget shitfest but also two direct-to-video variations (2012: Doomsday, 2012: Supernova), it's important to note that only Crystal predicts the cause of the apocalypse will be a catastrophic glitch in time that revives Hitler. Also, Crystal offers insights into this grim future that only a real, practicing $150/hour psychic could possibly provide!

Until Crystal's own work appears on the big screen, she bides her time by composing essays about current movies. For example, New Moon inspired "The Allure of the Vampire," in which Crystal shares this inside information:

  • "One of the more popular vampires was Count Dracula who many believed was real and may still live today. Years ago, I had the pleasure of seeing Frank Langella in the role of Dracula on Broadway. The audience sat spellbound."
  • "The character is closely associated with the cultural archetype of the vampire, and remains a popular Halloween costume."

It might not seem possible that one person could have time to work as a full-time psychic, stay current on pop culture, and write at length about conspiracies, extraterrestrials, the surprising assertion that "we are all starborn," and hundreds of sub-topics (this is one of those sites where every click produces a startling number of additional links), but it all makes sense when you figure that she only has roughly three years left to get everything covered.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful