Awful Erotic Short Fiction!

It's a little bit comforting, at first, that people still read books, despite the 24-hour barrage of videos, music, and games that pour out of every wifi'ed rectangle across our great nation. But once you dip your toe into the ocean of erotic short fiction, you'll wonder if reading really is such a great thing, or if it's just another way to put insane porn into your body.

See, the top thousand porn ideas all have their own thriving niche marketplaces. A book about two people having sex of any sort would be redundant, unless there were something truly novel and/or appealing about it. It's easier to create a new niche and write poorly for it, like these authors have!

"I Fucked The Puppet," this one's titled, because they want to say Muppet so badly, but they can't, because it's trademarked. If you hit the "Look Inside" link, though, the protagonist is definitely fucking a Muppet. Just FYI.

"Now That I'm A Ghost, I'm Gay" explores the world of exactly what it says in the title. A man dies, and he's a ghost, and now he's a gay ghost. While "turning" a straight man isn't exactly groundbreaking, you'll find the world "reluctant" in many titles, such as "Made To Submit: Reluctantly Gay Werewolf." And that's when you realize: They're not reluctant, they're being raped, and they say "reluctant" because you can't publish rape-tales on Kindle. "Reluctant Gay Werewolf Catshifter BDSM" is another title that uses the "reluctant" thing to get around content restrictions.

If it weren't for the popularity of shape-shifting erotic books, I'd say that Luna Loupe thought of the title "Someone To Cuttle" first, and threw in the shape-shifting thing later. It features a cuttlefish gangbang, the details of which are best left as an exercise to the reader.

Everything can be erotic, including the baptism of Jesus Christ Himself.

This book should be a single line saying "I picked up the basement dildo with tongs and threw it away," but it's not. It's a whole book.

Reluctant bike fucking? Yes. It was so popular it was followed up by "The Bike That Butt Fucked Me," and later, "The Bikes That Fucked Us."

You'd think "Mating With The Raptor" would be the worst dinosaur-based erotic novel, hands down. Nope. That honor goes to "A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay." How did the dinosaur get a billion dollars? Why is he a rapist? How does he co-exist with humans? The details are in the extremely "good" writing, my friend.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)