I Think My Dungeon Master Is Trying To Kill Me

Chill la Chill

my DM is trying to kill me. me? I'm threatening to stop playing our 2-player game if he does

tao of lmao

DM: You stand at the edge of a tall cliff. Would you like to get a better look?

Me: No, i'm good

DM: You feel strangely compelled to peer over the edge.

Me: N..NO!

DM: You want to jump, you have nothing left to live for. You want to end this wretched life.

Me: [crying] no i want to live!

DM: You companions agree this is a good idea.

Me: What?

Everyone else: It's true.

Ace of Baes

"I attack with my 2-Handed Fiery Greatsword"
*rolls a 19*

DM: I'm sorry, but your swords bounces off the Goblin King and does 0 damage.

"What the fuck is his AC?"

DM: *looking down at paper that says AC: 99* I'm sorry, that's privileged information.

joke_explainer

'Rogue: Alright, we climb down the hole, using the grappling hook and rope to slow our descent, using the ever bright rod for light.'

'DM: Alright. You proceed further into the dungeon. Roll a fortitude save.'

*rolls*

'DM: Alright. Everyone passes out, and sixteen rounds later, is dead.'

*confusion, complaints*

'Wizard: What the fuck? Why?'

'DM: The dungeon foreman was performing a nitrogen flush of this area of the dungeon to prevent oxidization damage to chests etc. You guys entered a confined space without a permit or sufficient knowledge about the situation, and asphyxiated due to lack of oxygen. The ever bright rod doesn't require oxygen to burn, regular torches might have tipped you off. Inattention to detail can be deadly.'

Nosfereefer

the usual snacks have been replaced by rat poison. a huge axe is precariously hanging over my chair. what could the dm be up to this time?

Ace of Baes

DM: Your ship hits turbulent waters, you're thrown overboard by the force.

Me: Alright...alright...I cast Spell of Swimming

DM: You swim away quickly, into a pack of blood thirsty 40 foot orcas.

social vegan

DM: The orc rolls for intuition anddd it's a perfect 20

Orc: "I...I think Robert never stopped wetting the bed until ninth grade"

Robert: heh, whoah! Which one of you was named Robert?

Ace of Baes

Me: I enter the weapons shop, and ask what kind of battle axes the merchant carries.

DM: The merchant takes a large war axe off a shelf to show you, but slips and cuts your fucking head off.

Me: Dude...

DM: Yeah fucker, you're dead, I'm the DM bitch.

Bread Set Jettison

Rogue: I look through the window, unsuspiciously

DM: What does that mean

Rogue: It means I look through the window, unsuspiciously

DM: How are you doing that

Rogue: Unsuspiciously

DM: Ugh, roll a stealth check I guess

Rogue Rolls a 17

DM: You're spotted because you're a moron

Rogue: this is bullshit

dogcrash truther

DM: The Orc approaches. Roll for initiative. 
Me: I don't have a die. 
DM: Oh, that's ok. [chuckles softly to self]I have one for you. Right...here [pulls a die out of a big sack labeled "POISON"]
Me: uhh...are you trying to kill me? 
DM: Of course not. Would I be touching this die if it were poison? 
Me: No...but why does it have a fuse?

Thingyman

Fumble Houserules
1-5: You accidentally attack Thingyman
6-10: You fall prone, pinning Thingyman to the ground.
11-15: You score a critical hit on Thingyman, dealing exactly as much damage as his current HP
16-20: Everyone in the party, except Thingyman, are fully healed, become invisible, and generally just start to feel really good about their lives.

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)