Unworthy Goon Gifts (Part 1 of 2)

lothar_

I got a gas grill, which doesn't make sense because:

1) I would have to keep it on the open back porch, and my house has already been hit by burglary.

2) My parties are potlucks, and no one ever brings meat to grill, even if I ask. No, I'm not buying enough meat to feed 20 people because my contribution is booze because no one ever brings good beverages worth drinking unless it's absinthe.

3) You know what I'm doing when I'm grilling? Doing a whole lot of not enjoying my parties because I'm outside for four hours on the fucking grill.

4) If I was interested in grilling, I'd do it with charcoal or mesquite, as god intended.

Yes Dad, I know you had an extra grill lying around and wanted to offload it on me because you don't want to haul it when you finally move to your new house. Learn how to use Craigslist so that someone who wants it can have it, and get me the LED flat screen instead like I had been hinting about for the past half-year.

Haomasexual

My baby bro got me a piece of paper that says "Get off the computer and spend some time with me, please. I love you. I used to idolize you. Now you care more about your Zerg forces than your little bro. Please, Shawn. I just want to be friends. I want to be your brother again. I don't have money to buy you anything, but, like they say Christmas is the time for family. I hope you understand and view this as the greatest gift you get this year. Because it shows I love you want you to stop spending all day on the computer. Its killing you. Please. I love you, Your Bro" Yeah, thanks. What is this?? I mean.. What in the everfucking Christcumlets. He KNEW I needed a new router cable. I left that off my list to Mom and Dad just for him, little prick. He has the fucking 7.99, too. Jesus.

GreenNight

When I was around 10 my grandfather died. A year or so later for Christmas my grandmother sent me all his underwear as a gift.

Thanks so much.

HolePisser1982: Last year, Grandma gave me some old scarves and hats. Like, REALLY old. I know she has money, why the hell would she not get me something NEW, from a friggin STORE? Wow, great, these belonged to my grandfather? That's a shame, because unlike me, he could have returned them. Merry Christmas.

Wood Thrush: oh wow, cool grandma, its grandpas old album full of photos of wwii and korea. cool. thanks, i love stuff like this, becasue im a fucking museum, not a 16 year odl skateboard whiz

Bad Mitten

My mother spent my all my teen age years thinking I was a goth. I was not. I have dark brown hair and pale skin, just like her. I didn't have any goth friends, or even ones that could even be marginally construed as goth. I never wore makeup of any kind nor did I dress remotely like a goth. When I was able to select my own school clothes without her, I bought jeans and various solid color t-shirts and button down shirts (no black since it makes me look like death). In general, my wardrobe was rather plain because we were rather poor and couldn't afford a lot. I figured that if I had to wear the same few shirts over and over it would be less noticeable if they were plain rather than distinctive. So, I didn't dress like a goth, act like a goth or hang around with goths.

One year for Christmas I asked her for a red plaid shirt and a pair of black pants. She got me black pants, a black sweatshirt, black socks, a black headband and a black hair clip. It happened over and over. She would get the same hair clip for me and my sister. I would get one that was black or brown, my sister would get one that was pink or blue. She would get a red sweater, I would get a black or brown sweater.

When I asked her after a few years why she always got me black or brown she said "you wear so much of it!" When I pointed out that all the black and brown I had was stuff she bought for me she said "I just don't think to get you colors!" That realization lasted all of a few days and I got another black sweater for Christmas that year.

Fascinator

I got a Hot Topic gift card from my parents for Hanukkah this year. If you didn't know, Hot Topic sells prefab punk and goth clothes for teens. I am almost thirty, have a professional academic job, and am very interested in fashion. None of these things have anything to do with Hot Topic.

Luckily, my 17-year-old cousin with the pink streak in his hair was there. I traded it to him for his Chick-fil-A gift card.

Last year, my parents gave me a loaf of habanero cheddar bread and a box of specialty hot sauces. I'm allergic to capsaicin. It makes my throat close up and my skin break out in hives. They know this.

Autism Monday

Wow cool, a gift card for Starbucks, movie tickets, DVDs, and two tickets to a concert. Even though I download all my movies and music and [unlike ytotu, mom/dad] have the good sense to realize that it's cheaper to drink coffee at home instead of in a vapid cunt coffe shop. Get fucked.