Do like Ice Cube and slam her ass in a ditch. Why?

I'll start by apologizing to the 95% or so who probably had no clue what this update was about. I hope it wasn't a complete waste of your valuable time. Mad Money is a real show and Jim Cramer is a real guy. The show comes on CNBC three times a day. To get the full effect I suggest you watch it high. Save for some slight embellishments, the show is pretty much exactly the way I described it. A crazy bald guy sweating like a pitcher of lemonade at a 4th of July barbecue, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, yelling about money markets and dividends and other words that weren't designed to be spoken at that volume. In other words, a cross between Emeril, Matthew Lesko, and your Econ teacher in college who mumbled profanity to himself under his breath. However, the guy does seem to actually know his shit, which just makes the whole show 10 times cooler. Probably 11 times cooler if you're an actual investor.

I steal a lot of jokes from my friend Allen or as his friends call him, Albert. Remember that one about the line graph? That was his. He's really good at making jokes about different kinds of charts and graphs because he used to manage the finances of a prestigious Pennsylvania Clown College. As you can imagine, he hates pie charts. (I made that joke up.) Anyway thanks for nothing Albert! Absolutely nothing!

I don't know what else to write in this thing so here are some opinions!

• The new Gorillaz album gets 8/10 from me! Pick it up if you get the chance!
• Electric ovens are definitely better than gas ovens. However, in this reporter's opinion, electric stoves leave much to be desired. Perhaps appliance manufacturers can take a lesson from auto makers and come up with some sort of hybrid!
• Chocolate: Still yummy
• Intel vs. AMD. Winner: nVidia
• On the subject of Ali vs. Frazier 1: It was somehow Don King's fault that Ali lost.
• Things have gone downhill!
• As far as mattresses go, Queen size is the only option.
• My opinion on airport security? It doesn't take long enough.

– Seth "Terrorsaurus" Knisley