UNDISPUTED FACT: When you swallow a piece of gum, it takes seven years for you to fully realize that, like all food, GUM IS COMPLETELY DIGESTED


In case it wasn't clear, my front page article today was intended to lampoon Tim Rogers, New Games Journalism, and Japanophiles all at the same time. I hope you got it.


These boys certainly look troubled!On the last Daily Dirt I asked you bums to send me your questions about BOY TROUBLE so I could answer them. Here goes something once again!

Is it possible to go more than 30 minutes without thinking about sex? That said, should I want to go 30 minutes without thinking about sex? I NEED TO BE TOLD I'M NORMAL FOR CONSTANTLY WANTING TO REPRODUCE

~Christian "Confucious" Capdeville

Only every 30 minutes? You lightweight. As a man, you should be thinking about sex so much that seeing a roast beef sandwich at Arby's causes you to go into an epileptic fit of desire. With horsey sauce.

I had a boyfriend for about 7 months and I just recently broke up with him. When we broke up I told him that it was because I needed some alone time. This was not the case. I was just really bored and un-entertained. He has recently text messaged me trying to talk and I don’t know how to handle it. This guy is really sensitive and cries really easy. I am the exact opposite; I cry very few times and only if the occasion calls for it. I am also afraid that if I tell him the truth that he will do something stupid like committing suicide. Please give me your advice.


Jade, you need to drop that zero and get with a hero. Upon further reading, I see that you have dropped him. Very good. I apologize, as I saw the name Jade and thought of a very special exotic dancer that once saved my life in Barbados. But if this guy won't get the point, I recommend that you text message him the following emoticon:


He should get the point. Also what are you doing later? Do you need a ride to that funeral baby ;)

Oh god my life is a disaster



Son, what you need to do is enter a domed subculture that no negative opinions can penetrate. May I suggest you become a MegaTokyo fan? And then sever your penis because at that point not even you will want to touch it? Thanks in advance!

My girlfriend a few months ago sent a joke gag of Perfect Panties from Hanes to me. Today she made me try them on and took a picture of it on her cell phone and I don't feel comfortable with those. What should I do?

Captain, the comforting fit of women's undergarments is something that should be promoted around the world. Have your girlfriend put these pictures on the internet, so people will finally realize there is nothing wrong with this way of life. You will get my silk and small red ribbons, sir, after you peel them from my cold, dead body!

Dearest Bob,

I have been dating this guy for a long, long time so of course I knew he roleplayed online (military simulation chatrooms) from the beginning and I think it's lame and I make fun of him constantly but it never really bothered me. Until that is, I realized that he had many "girlfreinds" in this "online military simulation team". He claims that it's just for make-believe to make the "scenario" more realistic and to "create relationships" to allow more emotion into the scenario and that outside of the chatroom all make believe ends.But I still feel jealous and...... very, very disgusted. Should I dump him? Should I become a dykey-haired muscular military woman with a gruff voice and only wear fatigues, in order to please him? Should I beat him fucking senseless? Can't I DO BETTER??????

- Mother El Sheepo

Just send messages to all of his online military sim girlfriends that read, "I'd like to rape your Nanking." They'll get the point.

Next Time, on THE DIRT

In the next exciting episode of The Daily Dirt, it'll be Q&A time again, but the topic is now SCHOOL TROUBLE! If you have SCHOOL TROUBLE, or are TROUBLED about being in SCHOOL, I want to hear your questions! Just e-mail bobservo@somethingawful.com, and you may find yourself incriminated on the next non-mandatory installment of... THE DIRT!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

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