Zack:OPERATION: UGLYDr. Thorpe:I think the artist accidentally drew the guy's face too far to the left so he said "oh, screw it, I'll just use that as the woman's face and draw the dude over here..."
Zack:I could pretend to make some comment about the guy posing exactly like Schwarzenegger on the cover of Predator or the guy in the background having a huge cyst on his face, but really...
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, we both know where the real action is on this one.
Zack:Keep in mind that the cover is a fucking advertisement for the video contained in the box. The only people renting or buying this movie are serious deviants. An advertising company could place posters of this up at bus stops and people would bring other posters from home to cover them. They would come back the next day and there would be posters of women in lingerie and rap stars.
Dr. Thorpe:The only excuse for this is if the woman with the face of a man is somehow integral to the plot.
Zack:Yeah, but I mean, Jesus Christ can't they come up with some real woman without a man's face to be on the cover?
Dr. Thorpe:Hernando Muerte is on a desperate mission to find the madman who stole his wife's face and replaced it with his own.
Zack:Wait a second…su deber se convirtio en veganza...I think this is the Vagina Monologues. In which case this is a fucking awesome version of the Vagina Monologues!
Dr. Thorpe:I like how she's pointing to herself with her thumb like that. "What has the face of a man and loves getting blowjobs? THIS GUY!"
Dr. Thorpe:If it's the Vagina Monologues, that would explain why Charlton Heston is so angry at it. He's way too conservative to tolerate that. He got so upset about the frank discussion of feminine anatomy that he broke out in hideous boils.
Zack:GET YOUR POX OFF OF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY LIBERALS!
Dr. Thorpe:Some girls have a face that could stop traffic, but this woman has a face that could cause cars to spontaneously explode and hurl their drivers away.
Zack:Wait, Sergio Goyri was the Sausage Man! This is the Implacable Sausage Man 2: Deceptive Heat or something.
Dr. Thorpe:Sausage Man II: The Dying Game
Zack:It's going to work in reverse to Stephen Rea though. Sausage Man is going to gradually work his way up "her" body and then get to the face and throw up, only he'll throw up 40mm grenades and the world will dissolve into explosions.
Dr. Thorpe:El Mysterio de Sausage Man y la Brigada de Transsexualidad
Zack:Actione Sausage Force: Errorisma Con Comedia de Sexo
Dr. Thorpe:La Brigada del Sausage y La Cara del Diablo
Zack:If only Sausage Man had a bladed metal glove to exact his revenge on the transsexuals. He might actually be placable.
Dr. Thorpe:I think the picture of his face on this cover represents the exact moment when his lover is unmasked and we hear that little descending "boner dying" slide-whistle.
Zack:"Que?" Thwwooomp........BOOOM! God I wish I was the guy dying in that fucking buggy thing.
Dr. Thorpe:¿Que es esto? ¡Es la cara de un hombre!Arrrgh screeeeeeech BOOM!
Zack:You know he wouldn't kill her. He would just make her somehow even uglier and she would return with a metal samurai mask and a perpetually bleeding head wound.
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, and on the cover of the sequel she'd be sitting on top of a huge glass pyramid filled with corpses and he'd be grimacing and climbing up it with one arm chopped off at the elbow.
Zack:And she'd be up there just grinning, with the left side of her violated and abandoned body melting into the pyramid.
Dr. Thorpe:And there would be a bunch of guys in greasy coveralls holding wrenches chasing towel-clad women around the base of the pyramid.
Zack:Maybe the whole pyramid could be made out of dead Jews and Hitler could be standing there and one of the Jews could be a really hot woman and Hitler's eyes could be bugging out and his tongue rolling out of his mouth to touch the ground.
Dr. Thorpe:That's it, I quit. Mexican comedies can get away with that kind of irreverence, but coming from you it's nothing but disgusting.
Zack:El final de la comedia de Hitler!
–
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
