Character(s): Axel
Appearing In: Crazy Taxi (multiple)
Thanks: Riotgrrill
Dr. Thorpe:He's got that shady grin on his face because he just opened his shirt for a passerby and is saying "hey mister, wanna buy some testicles?"Zack:He's not really that muscular otherwise. How do you get just your torso that muscular? Do you put weights on your chest and just flex over and over? Do the centipede constantly?
Dr. Thorpe:It's all implants, man. That's why he's got a six-pack that just looks like tennis balls under his skin, and why his pecs are up where his clavicles should be.
Zack:Other than that he's pretty much exactly the sort of person I would expect to see wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt. Even Thomas Magnum had the decency to button them up or at least wear a tank top with them. This guy is just a perverse ball-baring menace.
Dr. Thorpe:Maybe this is drawn by a female version of Rob Liefeld who feels the need to ridiculously eroticize and exaggerate the male form until it's meaningless.
Zack:Based on romance novel covers if that were the case he would have incredibly long sensual hair. Floor-length pony hair and cooked-brown skin oiled to a reflective sheen. All women really want is a big muscular Hispanic woman dipped in grease.
Dr. Thorpe:Well, that's all I want.
Zack:Load Rosie Perez up with human growth hormone so she can put me across her burly shoulders like some sort of conquistador and carry me away from this dreary life of cooking and cleaning.
Dr. Thorpe:I hope the artist wasn't trying to make him look "cool," because that would be insanely sad. That would mean that their idea of "cool" is "the guy at the Warped Tour who looks like he's about ten years too old to be there but he knows how to juggle and he's totally willing to buy you beer but watch out because he might try to have sex with your fourteen-year-old sister."
Zack:Yeah, I definitely saw this guy hanging around a tattoo shop trying to get the guy who owns the place to give him free piercings out of boredom.
Dr. Thorpe:He's the kind of guy who has a tattoo of a butterfly on his ankle and has absolutely no idea why that's queer.
Zack:I'm pretty sure I saw him walking out of there with all fourteen of his scrotums pierced.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
