Welcome back to the slightly less-than-biweekly love and advice column, "Backyard Love", where YOUR personal and private love questions are answered by some of the most talented backyard wrestlers in the industry! We study and hand-pick the top five backyard wrestlers somewhere close to but not exactly twice per month and give them YOUR email questions! Feel free to ask them about anything in your love or private life, ranging from people you may have a crush on, to sexual dysfunctions that you fear may be slowly killing you! There's nothing our experts can't answer and they are waiting patiently to hear from you!
Today's Backyard Love experts are:
NAME: Clark "Pyrocules" Chesterman
RECORD / DIVISION: 23-8-10 (Pine Grove Valley International Wrestling Association)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Burning Sensation" and the "Fires of Olympus" both of which consist of lighting paper products on fire and throwing them at his opponent.
BACKGROUND: Pyrocules claims to hail from Mount Olympus where he is the son of Zeus and heir to his father's wrestling legacy. His fascination with fire has lead him into trouble both in the ring and with the law. During one particularly dramatic defeat at the hands of one of his rivals Count Smackula, Pyrocules had to be hospitalized when he set his pants on fire. Pyrocules's father, supposedly Zeus, works as a district manager at the Pine Grove Valley Staples outlet. It is there that Pyrocules learned the powers of fire, stealing various combustible supplies from throughout the store and lighting them in a dumpster out back. When he was caught by David "Zeus" Chesterman he was forbidden from entering the store again. Despite this Pyrocules has a mastery over what he calls "the elements of fire and surprise".
QUOTE: "Prepare to feel the fires of Mount Olympus and don't get burned!"
NAME:Mario "Rage King Bull" Pollato
RECORD / DIVISION: 5-99-7 (New Jersey All-Pro Heavyweight Wrestling Crue)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "The Bull Whip" (Rage King Bull flails wildly with his arms trying to hit the face of his opponent while screaming nonsense. He then pretends to have a seizure and fall to the ground, when someone tries to put a wallet in his mouth he kicks them in the groin. He then dances a jig while completely ignoring his opponent, which almost always leads to his defeat.)
BACKGROUND: Growing up on the mean streets of an Albany suburb, Mario Pollato learned how to fight dirty. Legend has it that at age seven he managed to beat up an armed bank robber and halt a robbery in progress by biting the man's testicles and then dancing proudly. His double passions for violence and dancing have continued into his teenage years. Taking on the name "Rage King Bull", Pollato claims to practice the ancient fighting style of Animalistics, which he is said to have learned from a fighting monk he encountered in Albany. Animalistics involves taking on the aspect of a chosen animal, and despite the fact that "Bull" is in his name, Pollato seems to have selected some sort of howler monkey or blind cave rat.
QUOTE: "That's no bull, I am going to take it to the mat and you are going down stairs! Back to mama with you, crybaby!"
NAME:Evan "55-Gallon Kong" Kristopherson
RECORD / DIVISION: 48-5-4 (Earnsville Extreme Extremist Entertainment (EEEE))
TRADEMARK MOVE: "The Donkey Kong" (kidnaps his opponents girlfriend and / or mother, climbs to the roof of the nearest house, and rolls barrels into makeshift ring towards the challenger)
BACKGROUND: The son of an abusive, successful, toxic waste disposal specialist, young Evan Kristopherson spent much of his childhood stealing 55-Gallon drums of radioactive refuse from his father's truck and pouring the hazardous ooze into his sandbox. There, he would spend many happy hours building and then destroying his complex irradiated sand sculptures. On his eighth birthday, Evan received a ColecoVision and a copy of Donkey Kong that a friend of his father had rescued from his trash pickup route. Evan proceeded to play the game nonstop for the next six years but never managed to get past the first level. Assuming Donkey Kong was an invincible, magical, godlike being, Evan stole his father's truck, loaded it up with empty 55-Gallon drums, ran away from home, adopted the moniker "55-Gallon Kong," and set out to make a name for himself in the backyard wrestling circuit.
QUOTE: "I talk trash and I trash talk tough! THIS IS THE WORD OF OUR KONG!"
NAME: Revolutionary Scarecrow
RECORD / DIVISION: 34-2-1 (Iowa Cornfuckahz League)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Hay-Fork-U!" (hits opponent with metal chair to knock them onto the mat, then stabs then repeatedly in the back of the neck with his pitchfork in an attempt to harvest foe's brain for his own evil purposes)
BACKGROUND: Not much is known about the mysterious Revolutionary Scarecrow, other than the fact that he has led farm uprisings in several states, seems to be able to talk to animals, and stuffs his clothing with hay. Incredibly violent and catastrophically dirty, the Revolutionary Scarecrow is a feared opponent who refuses to wrestle without his pitchfork, a preference which has kept him out of more high-class and respected wrestling leagues like the USWLWW. His only two losses occurred when birds pecked the Scarecrow into submission, apparently mistaking the Scarecrow's odor for that of a long-dead corpse.
QUOTE: "I will got a brain and it is you!"
NAME:Bruce "Angry Beekeeper" Olsen
RECORD / DIVISION: 24-26-4 (Salibury Stingers and Other Less Violent Things)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "The Furious Beard of Bees" (pins opponent's arms behind their back and crushes them to the ground, then sits upon their face until they are unable to breathe or until they apologize for hurting him)
BACKGROUND: Bruce "Angry Beekeeper" Olsen was a troubled youth. His formative childhood years were scarred when his parents, successful real estate brokers in the Sacremento area, began locking their son in what they called "The Learning Closet" but which was actually Bruce's father's "beehive collection room." Soon, Bruce became immune to the bee stings and even grew to love them. At times Bruce's parents would lock him in the bee room for days at a time. Harvesting the bees' honey to stay alive, Bruce dedicated his life to their honor. He grew up to wrestle in his local land pledged to avenge the many bees killed by his parents when they moved into a condo across town and had to immolate the bee room.
QUOTE: "YOU WILL 'BEE' DEFEATED IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE... BY ME!"
NAME:Dave "The Domesticator" Holewinski
RECORD / DIVISION: 3-48-1 (Wrasslin' For the Lord)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Git in the Kitchen" (The Domesticator easily fools opponents into thinking that he wants to shake their hand before a match only to instead suddenly hit them over the head with his trademark frying pan. Soon after, however, he begins to cry and explain that he "just gets crazy sometimes" and that he didn't mean to hurt them.)
BACKGROUND: Growing up in a tiny conservative town, Bruce "The Domesticator" Holewinski was the child of proud Polish immigrants. He grew accustomed to attending church at least four times per week and obeyed the strictest rules of his religion, including the "no using toilet plungers on the fifth Saturday of the year" rule and the "you must marry a woman with a name beginning with the letter 'B' but only you divorce a woman with a name beginning with the letter 'S' rule." Now he is the scourge of the Akron, Ohio wrestling circuit, flattening would-be feminists in his path.
QUOTE: "I told you to get me those pancakes, BITCH!"
Now that today's experts have been introduced, on to the questions!