Dear Backyard Love:

I met a wonderful guy, whom I'm crazy about and he's crazy about me. I feel he's perfect for me in every way except one. We waited to make love and yesterday was the day. I loved being with him, but he doesn't make love the way that gets me off, so I didn't have an orgasm. I don't want to lose him, but I told him I was very vocal when I have sex and yesterday I wasn't vocal. So now I'm afraid that he will back out of the relationship unless we have a talk about this. I know I need to talk to him about it, but I don't know how to do it without hurting his ego. Can you help me?

- Happy but Unsatisfied in Boston

Pyrocules: It sounds to me like the passion is hot with this one. We have a saying on Mount Olympus that "fire will burn the ones you love" and that's a fact. I have tried time and again to convince the judges that if you wet the trees around the ring there is no danger of the fire spreading. They still tell me not to use my trademark. I think that's your new man's problem. He is holding back his trademark in the bedroom and that trademark may be as hot as the mighty fires of Pyrocules, sent down from on high by Zeus himself! Tell him "anything goes man" or "no holes barred" and he will warm right up like a six pack of glue-sticks with a little splash of white-out on them for a starter. I mean just burn you right up, but don't hold that flame too close either mortal, or you will be burned by the one you love. I hope this helps!!

Rage King Bull: I'll dance on your grave punk! You think you can stop me from pleasing you with my holds? Think again! I have the skills to pay the bills and that's no joke, dope! I don't know about this guy but he sounds like a zero and you need to get with a hero, chump change. When a woman gets next to me it's like getting next to a whirling tornado of passions and mixed up feelings, got that creep? One look at me and you'll forget to pay your bills on time! Believe that or not, you nerd. I will dance on your tombstones, HA HA HA! Scumbag!

Dear Backyard Love:

I have a male friend who is a bulimic. I am a freshman in high school and have known him since sixth grade. He has missed about two and a half months of school and has said it was an intestinal condition. He says that to cover up the real problem for fear of embarrassment. He doesn't know that I know about him being a bulimic. How should I act towards him, and when (if at all) would be an appropriate time to confront him about my knowledge? I was also wondering if you know of any side effects of bulimia (depression, involvement with drugs, suicide) and how often these effects have been reported. Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you.


Bruce "Angry Beekeeper" Olsen: I told them that I didn't want to go in there. I was sorry that I dropped the plate but I was doing the dishes and the soap was slippery so the plate just fell out of my hand and broke. I told them that I was sorry; why did they put me in there? I was so scared and it was so dark and there was loud buzzing everywhere. I will show them. I talked to my friends when I was in there and they promised me that I would have my chance at revenge. They gave me some of their sweet honey to eat and they told me that if I was patient that I would be able to someday pay them back. Oh my friends, I miss you so. Why did they kill you? They set you all on fire in front of my very eyes. All of your precious honey going to waste. I will break them. I will break them all as payback for your lives. Just wait and see if I don't.

Tell your friend that he should stop making himself throw up.

Dave "The Domesticator" Holewinski: How dare this boy waste the food the good Lord has provided for him? Doesn't he know that there are poor children starving in other countries who wish that they could be so fortunate as to have good food to throw up every day? Speaking of fortunate, you are fortunate right now missy that I don't find out where you live and give you a good smackin' in the jaw for being so uppity. If I were you I would tell everyone about this fag friend of yours and make sure that he is punished for his blasphemy in the eyes of the Lord. And then I would get back in the kitchen and leave the letter-writing to the men because obviously you are one of those annoying women who think that they have the answers to everything and that for some reason they are better than everyone. Well you are not better than anyone and I intend to prove that to you. I will prove it to you for hours and hours if that is what it takes. So you can just forget about any ideas you might have about anything because you have no business having ideas in the first place.

– "Backyard Love"

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