Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Patch 1.1 Released!!!

Ever since the release of Battlefield: Bad Company 2, I've spent a majority of my free time blowing up vehicles and getting shot to death. Unfortunately, I've also spent a majority of my free time cursing EA and Dice's lack of quality control in their latest bug-filled mess. A mere few minutes ago, I was forwarded an email from an anonymous tipster working at EA, and my heart nearly stopped once I read the title. Let me present this incredible news to you in full.

From: David Goldfarb <XXXXX@dice.ce>
To: EA Dice Staff <XXXXX@dice.ce>
Subject: Woooo! Patch 1.1 is ready to go LIVE!!!

Awesome news everybody! We just got the big "thumbs up" from the guys at EA, and we're ready to roll out PATCH 1.1 for the consoles!!! Hell yeah!

Now I'm well aware you guys have been working overtime to address all the difficulties our users have experienced trying to play Battlefield: Bad Company 2 online. With that in mind, I'd like to personally congratulate each and every one of you for successfully ignoring all complaints and issues raised by the BC2 community. This act alone provided us with additional time to work on patching the hole in the drywall near the snack machine. Once we finished that, we were able to concentrate on patching BC2 for the remainder of yesterday.

Just so we're all on the same page, here's the comprehensive list of bug fixes, changes, and new additions 1.1 will bring!

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 - Patch 1.1 DETAILS

1. BUG FIXES

• Fixed bug where pressing the "throw grenade" button fails to throw a grenade. The "throw grenade" button will now be reassigned to "stand still and don't do anything." This will be quite useful if we ever offer a "Last Man Standing" game mode.
  
• Fixed bug where, at the end of a round, the winning team sees a "YOU LOST..." message superimposed over a video clip. Video clip has been replaced by ten-second long advertisement for upcoming DLC.
• Fixed bug where a user successfully shoots an opposing player but fails to inflict any damage on their enemy. Now the shooter suffers damage.
• Fixed bug where users who have bronzed every weapon are unable to obtain the "Distinguished Weapon Knowledge" insignia. This insignia has been replaced by the brand-new "World's Best Player" insignia, which can be achieved by purchasing over $1,000 of EA games each year.
• Fixed bug where players calling in mortar strikes are killed by their own artillery due to a bush or tree branch between them and their target. All bushes and tree branches have been removed.
• Fixed bug where player is unable to "spot" enemies by pressing the "spot enemy" button. The "spot enemy" button will now be reassigned to "broadcast your location to the entire enemy team and let them know you are currently unable to shoot."
• Fixed bug where game freezes the console in the middle of a match. This is now considered a new feature, which EA has dubbed "Perpetual Screenshot Mode."
• Fixed bug where any class is unable to access items in their kit within the first three seconds of spawning. Players will now have their kit item permanently equipped throughout the entire game. Only players who have achieved a rank of 50 may use weapons.
  
• Fixed bug where player tries to enter an open doorway and suddenly finds themselves stuck in the outer wall, ten feet to the side. All doorways are now 30 feet wide, and have no walls surrounding them.
• Fixed bug where player "rubberbands," instantly traveling a short distance backwards for no discernible reason. Rubberbanding is now considered a new feature, which EA has dubbed "Battlefield Bullettime."
• Fixed bug where trying to join a game causes the Xbox 360 to instantly crash to the dashboard. Players will now instantly crash to the dashboard after they join a game.
• Fixed bug where successfully stabbing an enemy fails to kill them. Now successfully stabbing an enemy will result in cutting off a portion of their hair or knocking their hat off.
• Fixed bug where user is able to damage an enemy down to 0% health, yet the enemy remains alive and manages to kill user. This is now considered a new feature, one which awards the enemy an extra 300 points for "cheating death."
• Fixed bug where user throws a grenade which fails to explode. Undetonated grenades will now serve as a defensive weapon, causing enemies to comically trip and fall while a clown honking sound plays (just like in real war).