Pets

Kids like dogs because they're friendly, playful, and energetic; just like children. Many kids find it fun and ticklish to allow their dog to lick them on the face with the same tongue that the pet uses to sample the various obscene liquids floating around in your toilet bowl. Think about it this way: if you own a dog, every time you take a crap, you're taking a crap on your children's faces. Keep this in mind next time you think about purchasing a dog. Or a kid.

Next time you go to use the restroom and you have a dog and child in the house, think of this picture. On second thought, don't.

Dogs, unlike cats and most snakes, can learn simple tricks that can amaze simple people. Some of the more popular tricks include:

• Sitting. If the dog is in motion prior to this trick, he will cease all motion and proceed to place his ass on the ground, at which point you'll become really worried that he's leaving a "special gift" on the floor for you.
• Depositing all "special gifts" outside and on the lawn. Before your puppy has a chance to level up and evolve into a dog, it will want to its deposit special gifts all across your house. These gifts are often a mixture of whatever food you fed it the night before, things the dog found in the neighbor's garbage can, and various insect / rodent pieces. When a dog leaves a special gift on your carpet, it will notify you by parading around and acting very proud, as if it just figured out the secret behind cold fusion. You should respond by adopting a very furious facial expression and shaking your finger at the dog while shouting a bizarre series of profanities. The dog will react by acting guilty for the next seven seconds and then forgetting the entire incident ever occurred.
• Staying. This is very useful if you're entering some high risk area, like a minefield or abortion clinic, and you don't want your dog to follow you.
• Failing to eat the Christmas Rum Cake that you put on the dining room table to cool off. This is one of the more difficult tricks for dogs to learn, as dogs believe any object smaller than Jupiter is edible. When you come home from your Christmas party and realize the rum cake is missing, prepare to realize that your dog also forgot the "Depositing 'special gifts' on the lawn" trick as well.