A Court Watcher's Guide to the Supreme Court Ruling on Obamacare

"I am a firm believer in the Constitution as originally intended by the Founding Fathers and I will make it my priority to uphold that original intent. Minus all the slavery stuff."

"The Constitution, like all history, can only be understood in the context of the present day. It is our job as Supreme Court Justices to answer the question: What if this were an anime?"

"I will do whatever I can to ensure Barack Hussein Obama is a one-term president so long as it doesn't involve limiting my carb intake."

"Death panels are people, my friend. Of course they are. Everything death panels decide is ultimately decided by people."

"My vote isn't the only thing that is swinging. Oh, for chrissakes, I meant my granddaughter on a swing. Get your mind out of the gutter and go see Vanessa at Circus Erotica in Las Vegas where she is the nude swing acrobat."

"Ohhhh you think you can shit talk us in your State of the Union, motherfucker? That what you think? Nuh-uh, not true. Not true. Idiot bitch. Your law is in my house now. My HOUSE. You feel that? You just got Alitowned."

*drops mic*

"As a wise Latina, it is important that I offer my uniquely superior perspective. That is why I suggest you make and serve your guacamole in a molcajete with just a hint of lime juice for an authentic feel."

"Hey, don't look at me, I just work here. Wait a goddang second, is this my FreedomWorks office? I fell asleep in the car and I forgot if I was coming or going. Did we already announce the ruling?"

"The Constitution is a living and loving document. I will do my best to interpret it. Sensually."