Helen's Pet Exorcism and Advice Column!

Make sure that if you have any questions for me at all about my pet exorcism service, my ability to speak with the dead, relationship issues, or ANYTHING that you email me at helengunther@somethingawful.com! I will do my best to answer your questions and if I can do it I will put your letter in my weekly advice column!!

First, I'll tell you about theEXORCISMSI performed on Wednesday!

Here is the email that I received letting me know that this person and their possessed pet were in need:

His evil, possessed pet! It is evil!

Helen! i need your help! my hamster is possesed i think! when i go to feed him he runs up the wall and bites my hand! then he falls into he cage and rolls around on his back and makes funny noises and all of the water in his bowl turns pink when he touches it. one day i saw him floating in the middle of the room eating a big turkey sandwich but when he saw me he cursed profoundly and dived back into his cage like nothing happened. i would send you the turkey sandwich but its moldy now and sinse i cant afford to buy anything i cant send you anything for a while but if you help i promise ill send you something eventually! please help! hellp mee!!!

signed, mr chris

Lou.

Well the first thing I did after I read this poor person's email was to sit down at the kitchen table and eat a large box of cereal. I was out of milk so I had to just eat it dry but at one point it all got caught in my throat so I washed it down with some mayonnaise. The second thing that I did was call this young man and ask to come over to his house with my Ouija board and a bucket. The third thing that I did was I ate a large turkey because in his letter he had mentioned turkey. I then left for the exorcism by going out of the apartment and then walking 39 blocks to his house.

When I got there, he led me in to where his pet hamster was kept in a cage. Let me tell you, this hamster was EVIL. One look was all it took for me to see the demons within it. I didn't even need my Ouija board or bucket. With a towel, I removed the vicious hamster from its cage and it tried to bite me the entire time. Once I had it out, I set it down on the ground under the towel and said in a very loud voice, "HAMSTER, YOU ARE NO LONGER POSSESSED BY EVIL SPIRITS OR HAMSTER DEMONS!" I then sat on the towel with all of my might. When I lifted the towel up, the hamster was no longer evil!!! He was also not moving and his eyes were shut, but I could tell that the demons no longer possessed him!! My first exorcism was a success. Lou would have been so proud.

Here is the second email about this poor man needing help with his possessed dog and evil rats:

EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT! EVIL RAT!

i was very excited to see your interwebsite about pet exorcism. i am sure that my dog has the evil in her. she runs around the house really really fast jumping over anything in her way, including furniture and grown men. i think that non evil dogs should not be able to jump six feet in the air. also, they should not bitch slap you when you do not let them have your food. i also have two pet rats who escaped and now live underneath my dishwasher. i think that they have also gotten evil and are collabortaing with the dog to kill us. some of the reasons that the rats may be evil are: super rat strength, ability to leap four feet in the air, only come out at night. one of them's name is vladimir which is clearly an evil name because it is the same name that dracula had and he was definitely evil. please let me know if you can help us. i do not have any ham because i am a vegetarian but i have tasty habenero cheese sandwiches that i could give you.

thank you so much, tormented in t-town

This is the steak I wrapped around the rats. Well, it wasn't exactly this particular steak but it looked a lot like this steak.

I got this person's letter and right away I went over to their house. I didn't even bother calling first, I was so eager to rid them of the evil, possessed rats and dog because no one ever knows when the demons might some out. When no one answered the door after I knocked seven times I broke in because I thought that something terrible might have happened with the demons and the pets. When I got in there, I could see that I had been right! I had never before seen such evil pets. The dog was sleeping in a corner, and I could tell by the way he was breathing that he was under the spell of the evil, demon-filled rats that were full of badness. The rats had come out from underneath the dishwasher and were suspiciously and evilly sneaking through the kitchen to were I was standing. I knew what I had to do.

I took out the cooler I had brought with me just in case and began wrapping the rats with steak. I tied them to a post that was part of the stairs and led the dog over to where they were tied up. I said in a loud voice, "BEGONE, OH EVIL RAT DEMONS! YOU ARE BAD NEWS!!" As the dog ate the rats, I consulted the Ouija board:

Me: Oh spirits, what shall I do now?

Spirits: WOOOOOoooooo, Helen, you are incredibly stupid. WOOOOOOoooOOOOOO!!!

Me: Have I rid the poor rats of the evil that had possessed them?

Spirits: WooooOOOOOOOOoooo!!! Get out of the house, you dolt, before the people who live here come home. WOOOoooooooooo.

Me: Yes, oh spirits.

Then I left. I was sure that I had saved the world from a great evil. That's two exorcisms that I've done and both of them have been great successes! I am so happy that I can help people. If you ever have any exorcisms that you need me to do for you and your pet, please send me email on the computer machine at helengunther@somethingawful.com

How about someADVICE!?!

Letter 1:

My computer machine.

I met my man online and we seemed to hit it off right away...right from the very first message almost.... He told me first that he loved me and said he has never felt like this with anyone before... wel, I felt the same way... He called 3 and four times a day, he called me at work... it was so good.... but now, it has been over a month and all of a sudden the phone calls and emails have stopped... when I call him, he says he is just so busy at work, but that he loves me with all his heart and when the busy season is over he will call.... I don't understand this... it only takes two minutes to log on and say hi..I love you... that would be all I need... I have called him and he always seems so glad to hear from me.. and we have such wonderful intimate conversations...then they are interrupted by his kids or his ex... who lives upstairs... they live in the same house for the kids sake... .he immediately asks to call me back, or says he will call me later at work.. and he never does... but he says I am constantly on his mind... I am willing to stay in this relationship... I really love him, but a relationship can't last without any communication, whether he is busy or not, can it? Am I just wasting my time? This is really tearing me up.... any advice would be greatly appreciated....

Sincerely, LOL Lucy

Advice:

Lou's sister was very friendly.

I know just how you feel because I have been using my computer machine for more and more things lately. But even though I am not using it to look at the art sites that Lou used to look at sometimes with naked people doing strange thingswith balloons or atthe sites about catching criminals that had naked people tied up, I am still using it to help people and that is the most important thing. If I were you I would use your computer machine to help people, too. Maybe you could start your own advice column like me! I rememebr once I told Lou that I wanted to start giving people advice but he must have thought I said something different because he got upset and decided that it would be all for the best if I stayed home on the night that he went out with his long lost sister. He had met her on the computer machine and hadn't seen her for years. She didn't look very much like him because she was Oriental looking but Lou said that it was from an accident she had had as a baby.

Letter 2:

Baking Soda. It's great!

My best friend is fourteen. Over last summer she did pot; so when we started school again I tried to break myself away from her, so I wouldn't get dragged down. Now we are friends again. She stopped doing pot but she's getting a bad rep with guys cuz she goes from one to the next and does more than just make out. She has a bunch of home problems, her mom and dad drink and smoke, and practically make her raise her little brother. I don't know what to say to her, and I already told my mom that she did pot. What do I do?

- Love, No Druggie Daughter

Advice:

The solution to your problem is very simple! Just replace the pot that your friend smokes with baking soda! That way, when she tries to smoke it she will not get very far and also she will probably realize that she has an excellent product with which to cook and clean!No more drugs! Drugs are bad! I replaced that funny incense that Lou liked so much with baking soda once. He laughed for a long time when he found out. I didn't get to come out of the closet for a couple of days after that and I could hear him laughing the entire time I was in there.

Well that's all the time I have for this week, readers, but if you want me to answer any of your questions, whether they are about relationships, make-up, cleaning, or anything, just email me at helengunther@somethingawful.com. Also email me if you have any pet exorcisms to perform! I want to help you! I am now going to take a bath because I don't think that leg hair is supposed to move but I am not sure so I am going to go see what that is.