You know I love LA but I will do what I gotta do to bring some sense of decency back to wasilla.What what, ladies and gentlemen.

Pinch yourself just to make sure you're not dreaming, because guess what? You aren't! You are looking at the new, future, forever mayor of Wasilla, Alaska until such as a date as when I ordain to become governor. I once saw Mrs. Palin so frustrated trying to put on her shoes that she screamed and threw a glass sculpture of a bear through a stained glass window of her own face. If she can be mayor, I can be mayor. I'm sure you heard about it, seeing as how they were making up new Fox Newses just to do stories about me all day. Even though I have had run ins with these dudes and their bias ways in the past here is the AP story on my plan:

Did you click that shit? Now first of all I have got to clean up my act, so this article is going to have no cusses and no sexuality talk. It will just be on the level. So if that's what you're here for you sicko then you should leave because my number one campaign platform is FAMILY VALUES.

Second I have got to be lawful now so I gave all of my weed and oxy to my roommate and he promised me he would get rid of it. I also paid off the ticket I had for driving my 4x4 into the library's front window.

Since I have this website thing or whatever the fuck this is I should probably use it to promote my campaign thing.

PLATFORM AS MAYOR: My political platform is the thing that is what I stand for. I stand for family values because I have a family. It's a broken home but we all have to deal with difficulties in life and my number one priority has always been being a father to my two beloved sons Tripp and I think Tripp also. Like George Foreman.

Other platforms:

  • Not pictured: where I am going to land the helicopter full of modelsnumber one priority as mayor will be to fix the library front window and winch my 4x4 out of the periodicals
  • I will make it my number one priority to investigate what happened to ted stevens airplane and why it crashed when it flew over my truck while I was out hunting with armor piercing shotgun bullets because I saw a bear in a tree and probably it was just a coincidence and investigate why I think I saw an alien ghost up on the mountain where I heard that bang and I couldn't drive over there to see what happened because I just got done watching fire in the sky which ordains the truth of alien encounters.
  • So far my number one priority as mayor will be reversing the law Mrs. Palin signed that forces women to pay for their own rape kits. Rape isn't funny and neither are rape kits, but you wouldn't believe how much stuff is in there. It's got like cups and a spoon and cotton balls and little lids and stickers and a form. That has got to cost a lot of money and raped chicks shouldn't be on the hook for them to pay to scrape the rape juice out of their cooters instead of the doctors. I propose a tax on the rape doctors and the police to pay for this.
  • I will be carbon neutral. Every time I drive anywhere I will shoot off my gasoline's weight in buckshot at birds and squirrels. This is my number one priority.
  • a DJ in every class to hit drops for the teacher and in between questions spin sick walk on musicNothing is more important to me than schools and learning shit. So the fucking gay ass k-12 is gonna get broken up into like 4 schools including one school just for seniors that will have pools and hot tubs and fuck rooms so you don't get bothered by anybody like how it was hard as hell to do butthole sex on mrs. fitzpatrick in the small gym with kids throwing dodgeballs around on the other side of that big leather curtain thing they put across when the boys aren't supposed to get boners from seeing the girls play volleyball wearing shorts and also for the kids to learn on free DSes with that game where you can write in sarah palin and make her get run over by a treant. I will also get computers for every classroom because I saw a program where you can hook up your iphone to your computer using the ups port thing and then call someone and type in what you want the computer to say and it will talk in a robot voice or sound like a british lady. This seems like a lesson. I will pay for all of this by taking it I might have to do interviews and hirings to fill positions (that is an innuendo because I mean fill them in a sexual meaning like I will fill them with my wiener)out of the budget for salt trucks because it is hot as fuck out there. If that's not enough I had this idea for a bikini carwash where we go down to that museum full of all the old eskimo stuff like we really need to see the sled that a dog pulled a baby on or some sort of beads made out of whale dicks. ebay that shit and what doesn't sell we put in the ustoreit. Then we get all the hot chicks from the high school to put on bikinis and those little bellybutton rings that are like in the shapes of stars and moons and maybe get them a little drunk beforehand and have the one with the biggest tits go stand out by the interstate and wave for truckers to come in and then once they're getting their truck washed we trick them and the girls try to get the truckers to pay for sex and then when they start having sex we get the police to come out and plant drugs in their truck cab and arrest them as drug traffickers so we can seize their owner operateds and auction those fuckers to Bodie's kid brother Boner T who works at the NationaLease and repaint and strip those fuckers and move them to operations in the lower 48 for like 5 grand a pop. Pay for the school's new game boys easy.
  • Also if you are age 18-25 and a girl and weigh under 120 pounds (150 if I'm drunk) you can sleep in the mayor's office. I will set up cots and only fool around with your top half unless you give me the green flag and then it's all good. No jimmy hats, no problem. I have a water cooler of that jelly stuff that is like 65% baby kill for sure. Helping homeless hotties is priority #1 I have ordained by the Johnston administration.

More Johnston Checks In

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful