Crystal Force

The cameraman eventually passes out and the real movie starts. This is kind of unfortunate because the actual movie is just as bad, if not worse, than the introduction and credits. The real movie begins with some woman grieving at a funeral over the loss of her husband, which apparently is an informal funeral because the girl behind her is wearing a miniskirt. Maybe that's the fashion down in Incest Lake, Alabama, or wherever the hell this was filmed. The weeping mother and her daughter eventually leave the funeral and begin their 400 mile trek home, under the threat of "a storm". I use quotes around "a storm", because when the "storm" rolls in, all that happens is that the screen gets dark for two seconds, a rain sound effect is played (but there's no rain), and then it becomes bright and sunny once again. The two ladies pass a fat man walking his dogs, unaware that this scene of him guiding his pets through the park will be replayed over and over again hundreds of time throughout the film.

The whiny mother continues to weep for the next few hours, so her daughter and friend decide that buying an evil chunk of quartz from a fat man in an antique store would cheer her up. They choose "Beazle's One of a Kind Shop", which has such rare and obscure items as:

They decide to purchase the quartz, and the fat, jolly, bowl of man behind the counter gives them some sinister warning about it. I don't remember exactly what he said, but it was awfully sinister. The ladies bring home the Satanic mineral, but instead of cheering up the mother, it gives the visiting priest a heart attack. Maybe that's what the fat guy warned them about, perhaps the crystal emits microwave beams and the ol' Father had a pacemaker. "CAUTION: Make sure you do not have a pacemaker when standing next to unholy objects of hatred and evil" should be labeled all over that damn thing. Perhaps with RonCo's "Labelmaker 2000".

So the daughter has another incredible brainstorming session and comes up with the ingenious idea of - remember, this is to help her mother forget about her dead husband - holding a seance with her friends the next day! Yes, that will surely cure her mother's grief! If buying her a possessed chunk of rock won't work, communicating with damned sure as hell should! They all go to sleep and some guy in a rubbery monster suit becomes rear projected in the kitchen behind the magic crystal. He escapes and starts walking around the house, just checking shit out. The movie cuts back and forth to the fat, chuckling man from the antique store, who is standing outside a window. Eventually the monster decides there's nothing there worth enough cash to sell to the pawn shop, so he goes back into his rotating, floral pattern pentagram. The fat guy continues to laugh outside the window.