Dark Carnival

They leave to look for the keys and Clowny suddenly appears and runs off. Burger King tells the group, "I have to go find him. I'm a hermit" and this seems to make sense to everybody, so they let him leave. While the group searches for the keys, we're treated to another intense splotch of dialogue:

Some guy: "Who do you think's in the clown outfit? Do you think he wants to kill all of us?"

Some girl: "Yes."

Some guy: (perturbed) "REALLY, WHY?!?!?!??!?"

Some girl: "Let's go find the keys."

I'm not making this up folks.

So the group backtracks through every single fucking room AGAIN, and the background / ambient music gets so loud you can't hear any conversations. Eventually Clowny shows up and disappears once more, and the following conversation takes place:

Some guy: "Who do you think's in the clown outfit? Do you think he wants to kill all of us?"

Some girl: "Yes."

Some guy: (perturbed) "REALLY, WHY?!?!?!??!?"

Some girl: "Let's go find the keys."

Yup, they repeated the same damn clip. Maybe it was too good to waste on just one showing, so they decided to treat us again to the wonderful "worried about the clown" scene.

Eventually they find Clowny and pressure him into revealing that the house is in fact alive and wants to kill them. It apparently wants them dead because "the house wants to stay alive" (this reason undoubtedly makes sense in some other dimension, possibly one where goats can shoot laser beams out of their asses). The characters walk in front of every single set (YET AGAIN) and Clowny gets killed by a couple cardboard gears that bump repeatedly into his stomach. Some garden tools are pulled up with really visible strings and threaten our heroes, who respond by moving out of the way. Burger King becomes depressed and lights his paper hat on fire, burning it up, yet in the next scene (and every subsequent one) he's WEARING THE HAT. Seeing obvious continuity errors like this make me ask one burning question: "Who do you think's in the clown outfit? Do you think he wants to kill all of us?"

The characters mistakenly decide to throw in some more dialogue, which turns out to be a terrible mistake, because it consists of the following:

Woman: "Do you want to go to the front door?"

Man: "Not really."

Woman: "Do you want to stay here?"

Man: (thinking) "No, I suppose the house will get us no matter where we are."

So they resolve this back deciding to trek across every single set ANOTHER FUCKING TIME. In the process, a woman is attacked by the tentacle penis, somebody falls into a disco box, and people eat gelatin monster arms. They all meet in the prop graveyard where Hal's dead body floats around and shouts things at them until Burger King shows up out of nowhere and defeats the house by placing a playing card on a fake tombstone. The characters, having vanquished the forces of evil, leave the set and the movie ends.

Are you scared yet? Did my review of "Dark Carnival" chill you to the bone? I sure hope so, because the last time I was this scared was when I couldn't find anywhere else to eat other than the local White Castle. The plot is laughably vague, making little to no sense at all. It is obvious none of these characters have any acting experience whatsoever, except maybe for the time they wanted plastic bagging but asked for paper anyway. The sound and film quality are just terrible, almost like the entire movie was recorded with "Fischer Price" equipment. "Dark Carnival" is a movie to stay the hell away from.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)