Hot Boyz

Anyway, by the time we hit the miscarriage the cliched drama daytime soap-o-meter is just about maxed out, although we were holding out hope that Kool's long-lost twin brother Antonio would skydive into the hospital room and proclaim that the baby was his, and he's here to cure Kool's amnesia that's keeping him from remembering his true past as a 500 year old vampire.

Instead, she just croaks then and there, and the movie does a screeching 180 U-turn from whatever stupid cliche point it was trying to make about crooked cops and becomes a live-action Grand Theft Auto fanfic/Mobb Deep music video instead. The fun starts with a drive-by at a funeral^[3], which leads to yet another goddamn car/van chase resulting in hundreds of thousands of dollars of wanton property damage, and that's not even counting all the re-sodding the groundskeeper at the cemetery is going to have to do to deal with all the poured-out cans of high-gravity Steel Reserve, not to mention the burn marks from the foot-long blunts that Snoop Dogg probably dropped everywhere.

Anyway, the grieving Kool and his titular Hot Boyz quickly establish their dominance over the criminal underworld by, as far as we can tell, just walking into literally every nightclub in town and gunning down everyone in the room:

This works great, which we can only attribute to their pioneering risky yet stylish akimbo Tec-9 firing squad technique. Did you know that just by turning your guns sideways, you increase the spin on the bullet so much that it can blow people backwards through plate glass with ease? Neither did we. We've learned so much from Hot Boyz, like the epic and unforgettable story of the stuttering moron/love child of Chris Tucker and that retarded guy from 8 Mile, who betrays his long-time pickup basketball teammate and crime overlord Kool to fuel his crippling smack addiction. Truly this is the greatest exploration of the moral conflict of betrayal since Macbeth.

All of this quickly devolves into a ludicrous shootout at the old abandoned cocaine factory that lasts longer than the entire running time of Lawrence of Arabia, in which 2 or 3 actual people get shot as they go through about 8,000 bricks of baby powder squibs. Nothing is resolved to anyone's satisfaction, pretty much everyone dies, and the movie ends with a goddamn montage of the rest of the movie, because fuck you, that's why. We'll just leave you with this little tidbit that really sums up Kool's character nicely:

[3] Drive-By At a Funeral, the hot new Geto Boys album! Featuring an 8-minute instrumental/acapella track that's just gun clicks and Willie D saying "blat blat" over and over.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)