Awful Movie Madness: Casper van Dien

The Vector File

What do you get when a classified government research facility has "bring your daughter to work day", and she gets to use the top-secret research mainframe to draw MSPaint pictures of horsies? The creative minds behind The Vector File would probably mumble something incoherent about mega-smallpox, international intrigue, and how they've never heard of this X-Files program or met anyone who does graphic design for them, honest. We don't know about any of that stuff (except that it's all lies), but there sure are lots of mysterious men randomly appearing to threaten our buddy Casper with shotguns, probably just because they're Jaw Jealous(TM).

Pictured: the One Horsie of the Apocalypse.That's right boys and girls, the only thing G-Men hate more than privacy, freedom, and having fun without them is little pictures of horsies. They can't fucking stand little pictures of horsies. They can't sleep, can't eat. Can't breathe. Up all night, pacing. Horsies. Little pictures of horsies. Just who are these little horsies pictured, and where did they come from? How did they get in there, of all places? A top secret supercomputer with...little pictures of horsies? Not in our America, you flag-hating fucks.

Highlights include:

• Stars Casper's actual real life wife and step-daughter as his pretend movie wife and daughter, which is pretty weird. Especially when he kisses the daughter on the lips. But maybe that's just how they do it down in Buenos Aires.
• Little pictures of horsies (by far the most visually interesting part of the movie.)

You should watch this movie if:

• You've ever wanted to see a taut, sleek, waterproof spy thriller about what would happen if they made a bunch of world-obliterating government super secrets so easy to gain access to that a 9-year-old girl could download copies of them by accident in 12 seconds of random button mashing
• You've been medically cleared to look at and generally tolerate little pictures of horsies
• You like surprise twist endings that involve no surprises or twists
• You want to shatter your brain's peaceful delusion of this being some kind of loving X-Files tribute episode countdown hosted by Casper Van Dien with a champagne flute and a tuxedo

Dracula 3000

Yes, we know that this infamous movie was already reviewed right here on SA back in 2005, but let's face it: no one review could ever hope to fully contain the dimension-transcending audiovisual miracle event that is Dracula 3000. Starring Coolio and our Man of the Week, Dracula 3000 takes us on a magical journey to Transylvania Station on Planet Transylvania in the Carpathian Galaxy (that's where vampires come from in the year 3000, see). We could tell you about the mentally-deficient crack salvage crew of Coolio, "Tiny" Lister, and literally an intern who wandered onto the set, but as you've probably guessed by now, we're mainly here to talk about the Casper part of the equation.

So just how does one unlock the mysterious and many-chambered enigma that is Captain Abraham Van Helsing? One doesn't. One simply gazes at the humbling beauty and elegance of his perfection, and weeps with endless joy until finally one's heart explodes in one's chest like an Iditarod dog with bad genes and a major coke habit. But gaze quickly, since this is the only movie on this list in which Casper doesn't make it to the end. And what a shame it is, because he missed out on possibly the greatest/worst ending of any movie ever conceived:

Highlights include:

• Coolio as a vampire whose supernatural powers mainly involve oversharing his masturbation fantasies
• The ending, which you should go back and watch again right now, twice
• An entire cargo hold full of suspicious-looking coffins (sadly not the rocket-powered kind)
• Did we mention the ending?

You should watch this movie if:

• You're a devoted but incredibly superficial fundamentalist Christian who measures the worth of a film by how many crosses are plastered on the wall.
• You've always wanted to see a Dracula movie with the surprise twist that there is no character called "Dracula" appearing in or even mentioned in passing by anyone in the film.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)