Awful Movie Madness: Jesus Time Story Corner Pt. 1

An insufferable shithead preacher wishes on a magical Jesus star that he could be even more obnoxious and unappealing to everyone he comes across and miraculously wakes up as a series of different insufferable shitheads, and lots of excruciatingly, infringingly unoriginal hijinks ensue that teach him quote unquote invaluable lessons about life, lessons such as "having empathy is important for understanding how other people feel" and "starving yourself to death is bad" and most important of all, "glub glub, I'm a fish."

This is one of those movies where you just know as soon as it's over you're going to look it up on IMDB and some asshole is going to be there talking about how it might not have all the flash and whatnot of those soulless big-budget hollywood blockbusters but dangit, it's got heart, and won't leave you with that same empty feeling inside -- and sure enough, that's exactly what you'll find^[1]. And sure enough, it's a pile of utter horseshit, since in spite of having no budget or explosions or gimmicky marketing tie-ins or any of that to distract it from its message, this movie is so badly done it'll still leave you feeling a thousand times emptier inside than any shitty Michael Bay one-off ever possibly could.

This disturbing Fireproof GIF is still less mentally scarring than anything in Me Again.Also, if you need to go through a crazy supernatural haunted hayride Freaky Friday tunnel trip through a bunch of people's consciousnesses courtesy of the JC man himself in order to figure out that having empathy for other people is maybe an important life-skill for someone whose entire career is literally standing up at a pulpit and preaching to people about how they should treat one another and live their lives, maybe you've got more problems than are solvable in a neat crackerjack 90. Speaking of more problems, we wish that was this movie's biggest, but it's not even close. The other 99 are mostly David A.R. White, who seems to be something like the generic equivalency Christian Rob Schneider for their wacky summer body-swap comedy movie world, which is a lot like the secular one, only with less poop and boob jokes (and therefore even less substance).

Highlights include:

• David A.R. White slathers on makeup and the worst drag you'll ever see outside of a blind Rocky Horror Picture Show enthusiasts' gathering and lurches around from scene to scene like a retarded Bride of Frankenstein with alcohol poisoning
• David A.R. White quantum leaping into the body of an elderly black grandma (on the plus side, he turns in a more tame and respectful black grandmother performance than Martin Lawrence; on the minus side, his restraint makes this scene terminally boring.)
• The infamous Fish Scene, aka bloop bloop sorry kids, divorce sure is harrrrrrd!

You should watch this movie if:

• You're sick and tired of people in your life always telling you how hilarious and charming you are and want to learn how to become the most repulsively obnoxious and unappealing human being imaginable by studying from undisputed international grandmaster revulsionist David A.R. White
• You're curious about what the gender-based equivalent of an incredibly racist slapstick minstrel show would look like (hint: it looks like this.)
• You need to have a series of radical, transformative dissociative psychedelic experiences to convince you to have a basic level of compassion/deference for your fellow human beings/the potential capacity for their experiences in life to be different from your own, but you're too scared to try LSD so this movie will have to do

[1] "This movie, in its own simple way, is way better than a lot of the box office titles out there, that cost a lot of money, but leave you with an emptiness inside. I loved this movie! It has all the ingredients to be just another cheesy, saw-it-all-before type of film, but it somehow overcomes all this. There is something that saves it from mediocrity. I cannot tell you what, but I can tell you that I felt it. My humble 2 cents is that this movie is one of the best family movies I've seen in a lot of time. It has something that the movies seem to have lost nowadays: it has heart in it. It doesn't take itself to seriously, but it somehow delivers this powerful message to its audience. I really hope to see this kind of movies again!"