We can't spend all of our undying hatred on Duncan Jax, because that would be letting all of the other players in this catastrophe off the hook. This movie feels like it has a cast of thousands, mainly because most of the "characters" are utterly generic and/or serve no purpose other than to take Duncan Jax somewhere or hand him something pointless. Fortunately for you, we've put together a handy rogues' gallery, in case you have to watch Unmasking the Idol and there will be a quiz afterwards or something[4].

Heroes' League of Ultimate Ninja Spy Justice and Gold Heist Enthusiasts:

Codename:Physical stats:Reason for existing:
The WhaleIf John-Rhys Davies started by eating Fidel Castro and his entire cabinet, and didn't stop until he hit the end of Six Flags OrlandoHas a map to the gold stored somewhere unsavory
BugsJesse Ventura after ten more years of senility and paranoia sets inOwns some C4, can fly a helicopter (which is a pretty useless skill on this team thanks to Duncan Jax's crippling hot-air balloon fetish)
Who caresJust like a Bond Girl, except without the sex appeal or amusing double-entendre nameFollows Duncan around so he always has somebody to quip at
SatoAsian Q with a fu manchuAlternately pretending to be Cato from the Pink Panther movies, C3PO in the Star Wars trash compactor scene, and Bobby Fischer meets Sam Spade. Also, he wants to eat Duncan Jax's monkey, because he's asian you see
StarA vague knockoff of M from James Bond, now with at least 65% British-based Brit substitute and fillerActually read the script and knows who the characters are and where to go
WillyA crotchety old guyDuncan's former mentor, turned evil spy/traitor who doesn't do anything significant and then disappears from the movie entirely

He-Man Good Guy Haters' Club:

Codename:Physical stats:Reason for existing:
GoldtoothA fat, harmless, golden-toothed version of JawsCertainly not to threaten anyone. Gold dentures would probably do less damage to you than a pair of novelty plastic wind-up teeth
Das Boot KapitanIf you ordered a World War II German U-boat, he's exactly who you'd expect to come from the factoryMerges Voltron-like with Goldtooth to form The Original Odd Couple of Submarine Villainy
BlondieA refugee from either a failed American Gladiators tryout, or the set of a direct-to-video parody S&M porno called "Poonan the Destroyer"Throwing people into pools, walls, whatever's handy really
EchoShe-Ra got shot in the face by Homer Simpson's makeup shotgunFeeds worthless intelligence back to Team Jax, gets a dip in the piranha pool for her trouble
The PiranhasA tepid hot tub that probably hasn't been cleaned in a whileWe're not 100% sure they even exist; there might have been some chomping sound effects, but we might have just wishmagined that

[4] This is a great idea if you happen to be a film studies professor one day away from retirement, and you hate every last useless degenerate in your class and want them to suffer through a 30-page critical analysis of Duncan Jax's unyielding male gaze or how this can be viewed as a movie adaptation of the main themes from The Brothers Karamazov if you squint really hard.

More Reviews [Movies]

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2022 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful